So you just got a girlfriend, which I’m assuming was through my SCOOP system, and she wants you to meet her sailboat enthusiasts of parents. Well luckily for you, I have had over thirty girlfriends and nearly sixty new friends. I’m saying that I am still friends with my ex’s parents, damn right. Actually last week I was with Mr. and Mrs. Hemmington helping them pick out a new oak dresser for their recently added library. Having a girlfriend is cool and all, but a friend in their mid 50’s- early 60’s is like cloning brad Pitt and installing a small device in his brain membrane to high five you whenever you are in need of a high five. Do you get what I am saying? How cool would it be to brag to all of your douchey friends in your spin class about how brad Pitt loves high fiving you, and then brad Pitt actually coming through with his end of the deal(DONT GET BRAD WET OR FEED HIM AFTER MIDNIGHT, HE IS A GREMLIN). Now I don’t date girls, because I want to become their friend, but that’s the Seinfeld lifestyle, AKA dating a ton of women and I just remolded my apartment after Jerry’s. That being said, I have compiled a list of facts and magical steps to take in an orderly fashion to let your girlfriend’s parents allow you to drive their new Tesla Mr. June got with his retirement money.
Bring a small gift, I’m talking about candles, create your own salad maker, and even an exotic fish. Bringing a gift will show the parents you are going to be interested in their mindless daughter for the long run, which they will appreciate oh so much!
Find out where the parents live and investigate what they do with your unsuccessful friend DJ Ramstamp. After you and the Stamp gather enough data, head back to your local Starbucks and unload your data all over their free wi-fi. I’m talking about pumping out Mega and mega-megabytes of information on your Google.dox. Gather this info inside your new Google glass you got from Patrick Gimsky, because he is a tool who buys his friends off. The Google glass will allow you to see what similarities you create on your .dox to impress the old hags you will soon become friends with to use their boat for your sweet Japanese themed boat party
Shave your soul patch and fauxhawk, or if you are wearing an old beret, spice it up with buttons or a new PGA tour themed fedora. Find a highly desired instagram male model you follow due to your self-consciousness in your lack of style and create a whole new wardrobe that can compare to the one you can’t afford.
Bribery, when you meet the father sneak a jackson from your hand to his when you mutually shake his deadbeat hand. He will know what is up, he was once a kooky young male like yourself. After the exchange be prepared to check out his sweet guitar collection and listen to him jam it out to “HBO best of soundtrack series” Dvd
Find a women who just recently got out of a coma who is at least like a 6/10( this can be hard, because Hot babes are never in comas). Once you find the girl, wait next to her with flowers until she wakes up and she will realize you were her past lover. Hire actors from reasonable internet sites and have them crash at your place until you can take your new girlfriend out of the hospital. Once she is home she will remember that she does in fact have parents and she will accept the ones in front of her. Once she is there propose to her and move to Seattle where you two can start a new life, with her having no idea!
Are you and your wildebeest of a wife having trouble punishing your children? Signs point to yes, because you’re here on a blog reading a stranger’s advice, unless you’re one of my friends who know I make these things with a less than mediocre attempt at sarcasm. Which you ended up clicking the link I sent you via Twitter, Facebook, or Buzzfeed, just to say “Yeah I did read your blog, Steven, now please stop rubbing french vanilla yogurt in my ears and untie my step dad David”. Children can be hard, I was there once, a child myself. I once injected crystallized crest toothpaste into my great uncle’s chicken breast when he wasn’t looking. Sure he is blind and has to eat from a tube, but you got to admit, an astonishing prank performed at expertise navigation. What I’m trying to say is, Children play in dirt, and dirt is categorized with Ebola, do the math, Children = Ebola.
1. Jurisdiction Law
Listen you need to take no chances of your kid becoming the next Ted Bundy or Steven Glansberg, that means early development of behavioral problems need to be ruled by court immediately. Legally your child will be bound by law to listen to your advice and know his/her wrongdoing before even doing it. Don’t worry, you can cross efficiency off your list of parenting, you’re welcome.
2. The Cage
Buy a dog crate and fill it with pine straw and poison ivy, your child will make mistakes and you will have to stretch out that necessary punishment. One hour-three days in this bad boy should show your kid that life isn’t all about disrespecting their parents, but that sometimes hanging out and agreeing with them works 10 times out of 10.
3. Over-sized shoes
If your child’s foot is the size of an iPhone 4, making them wear your douchey high top Adidas basketball shoes will show them a new meaning of embarrassment.
4. Put him in charge of the financial burden you have
This dipshit kid is probably putting you and your wife’s total earned salary of $60,000 straight into a hold. So the smart and responsible thing to do is have him pay the bills and take care of any financial business that is needed. Since he is a child he will have no clue or any idea on how to organize and send anything out on time
5. Leave your wife
Listen, this is the most efficient way of punishment, not only do you get rid of your child, you get to leave the country and start a whole new life. Who knows, you can become a karate instructor in Guam, making peg legs in Tokyo, or even just doing a similar job what you did in the States, but now in Canada.
6. Hire child actors to bully him at school
Children strive off popularity at school, and having someone knowing their weakness, you’re hired actor can easily chop down your child’s positive mindset. Every day your child will be saddened, less and less, having him deprived at home, just laying in bed listening to the Jersey Boy’s soundtrack on reverse for a few repeated hours. “WAIT WHAT?!?!?! My child is going to just be laying in bed inside his melancholy state of mind? That means he won’t be up to shenanigans and his father and I can get back to sensual back rubs”- every mother ever, because that’s a genius Idea.
Honestly just leave him in a New Jersey shopping mall
Best Buy can be a great store, but you also have to keep a lookout for weirdos, goths, and other groups of people you can easily stereotype. Best Buy is a great store for many great products, except for finding friends which only leads to a hole inside your heart.
1. Avoid eye contact with a man’s woman
Guys get super jealous when you look at their babe. If you happen to be starring at a woman, which you probably are unless they’re ugly, I personally say great job! Because chances are you are using my S.C.O.O.P system. Guys will tend to gain roid rage and throw a half off Lost dvd collection at you. To avoid such, simply run towards the customer services desk yelling and pointing at the man chasing you
2. Purchasing a CD
it’s 2014, this is pretty much self explanatory
3. Don’t bring in your limited edition 1984 Japanese Katana sword
Most stores and public places don’t allow weapons of any sort, Best Buy’s manager Katherine makes this rule strictly enforced. I don’t know how may times I’ve been escorted out of a Best Buy for trying to show people in the sound department my new sword trick I’ve learned.
4. You can’t make home in a Best Buy
Sometimes I am kicked out of my house for cooking(oven, microwave, never stove top) articles of my parent’s clothes for scientific research to gain knowledge in time travel and fashion. I also was kicked out of my home once for running a low-key Colonoscopy clinic in my basement which had great deals on Colonoscopies and foot rubs. If forced out of your home, living in a Best Buy can be tough due to lack of food, security cameras, and a poor choice of demos you can play. Nutrient is key in today’s society and trying to be the healthy human I am, mountain dew and hard pretzels don’t give me the vitamins and minerals I need. Katherine is always on my tail whenever I try to stay at Best Buy, many times( every time) I am escorted out by the cops and fined heavily. Playing stage one of the new Sonic game keeps getting old and old, I personally grow tired of it and hope to play the new Mario Kart 8 station whenever Katherine decides to be a decent manager and release the appropriate Kiosk.
5. Avoid the Geek Squad fascism club
Geek squad is a club that can be awarded “biggest douche of 2014″ with no trouble. I’ve been denied a job there several times and Katherine’s Fiance Carlos can be a true used-kleenex when it comes to applying due to my interactions towards Katherine. Geek squad also charges ridiculous costs to fix computers and electronic wares and fails to have the same attire as that lame TV show from 2008 on NBC called Chuck
There you have it! Katherine please call me back
Dads are like animals. They eat, sleep, and yell at their children. So let’s face it, dads are just always in a pissy mood, or at least mine is. Last night my dad cancelled my HBO subscription, because my After Hours entertainment was running the DVR full and he couldn’t watch Survivor or Everyone Loves Raymond. From Dads having great taste in Eddie Bauer and whatever their wife buys them off the TJ Maxx clearance rack, their clothing only makes their anger strive for more hilarity.
HOW TO PISS OFF YOUR DAD
1. Fill his lawnmower up with mountain dew instead of gas
Dads strive off great looking lawns, if his lawnmower isn’t starting, smelling like a cheaply made soft drink for the least, He is going to get pissed. He might throw your PS3 into the tiny man made lake behind your Aunts house, so just keep your skyrim data loaded on an extra flash drive just in case, Don’t worry bro, I got your back.
2. Punch him square right in the balls
BAM! shot to the nuts, that would piss me off!
3. Don’t do good in school
Just don’t even go to class, what are you learning about? How Society has evolved from different parts including 5 different stages like Hunting and Gathering, which was a small nomadic setting in which few people lived about, either hunting or gathering for resources. Another stage being the Pastoral & Horticulture, Pastoral of course died out, but Horticulture started Permanent settlements and started the use of hand tools. Society then turned into an Agricultural system, creating the plow, making a surplus of food and a small development of cities. Let’s not forget the 3rd social reform, the Industrial society. The industrial society started family wages, people moved in from farms to cities, wealth accumulation started to take hold, women too even got to become involved in making terrible money and working as sloths in a factory, and lets not forget the Inequality that developed. Post industrial societies started after the industrial revolution, which created a storage and database of knowledge, aka YouTube and Hotmail. The last reform, which can be controversial at times according to different theorists, is the Biotech-biochemical society. This society can alter plant/ animal genetics for the purpose of creating food, medicine, and materials. Wow, wait that is some really interesting stuff, actually. Hey bro, maybe you should go to school, pursue your dream of art school or whatever.
4. Ruin his Roller Coaster Tycoon progress
Go on to his work laptop from 2003 and and just start wrecking his park, I mean start putting people in the fountain, don’t sell delicious food, honestly just delete the desktop icon, no way he will go to his C:/ file-Downloads, and drag it back onto his desktop.
5. Call his golf game bad
Let him know who is boss
6. If he looks at you, tell him he doesn’t know how to use an iPhone
Dads love iphones, they sit on that bad boy 8 hours of their day, playing angry birds and any other app that gets them from having to talk to their wife. Saying this will make your pops furious, he might even download more apps to just show off his cloud data bragging rights.
7. Call him an environmentalist
Your dad probably voted for Reagan, not some Nancy green party douche bag Al Gore. Saying this to your dad is like telling a manager of Walmart an Associates degree is the same thing as a GED.
8. Buy Frozen
why would he want to watch that movie? I thought it would be a great movie for us to enjoy dad, but noo you gotta watch your weekly rerun of the Soup Nazi.
9. use his credit card to buy a plane ticket to Oslo
Yeah dad I want to travel to Oslo, I heard its beautiful and my cyber girlfriend Charlene lives there, her pro pics are hot, but I’m only expecting a 6/10, which doesn’t bother me, because she gets me
10. use his chapstick
hahaha can you say ew?! Honestly it just irritates me when people use my chapstick, so maybe try this one out?
Hope you guys enjoyed my post!
Hey Danny Lumberg, I know you didn’t invite me to your Bar mitzvah, don’t be an ass, I made out with your ex girlfried, but what do you expect? I’m a stallion that runs across water, breathing fire, with my hair flowing in the wind.
So you are dating some dude named Chett Anderson, he just pledged for a fraternity that only 53 other boys care about, he also is thinking about getting that tribal tat on his 9 inch bicep his sister designed for him, and let’s not forget that he didn’t even complete the main story line in skyrim. Yeah Chett sounds like the worst, because he is the worst and so is any other guy you ladies are dating. So you want to dump the douche and jump up on the stallion? Well then this guide is for you. You can be a married woman as well, I’m taking all applications.
1. My killer biceps and triceps
- Let’s face it, your boyfriend probably doesn’t hit the gym, he spends 45 minutes on the elliptical and then proceeds to barely rep 135 twice on bench. I don’t even know how many times I can bench 135, because I don’t bench 135, I slap on 3 plates on go ape shit. And when I’m not benching 315 like a power house, I’m probably in the core room correcting hot girl’s terrible form.
2. I’ll massage your feet
- That’s right, your current boyfriend Jake probably doesn’t even know your feet exist. I’ll personally buy the massage creme and get lathering. “Oh also what kind of relaxing music do you listen to? Oh the soundtrack to Tarzan? Hell yeah I love Tarzan(Bullshit, I don’t).” The only happy ending she will be receiving is a wink from my eyes, an extra key I copied from Home Depot for my heart, and maybe like season 5 of The Office if she asks to borrow it
3. Driving Right
- So Mark is leaving in 16 minutes to pick you up in his PT Cruiser, at least we know who wears the tampons in the relationship. I don’t drive some nancy-mobile, I drive the world’s sexiest and most lavish car, the Ford Fusion. I whip my 2010 Fusion day and night hunting for the ladies. I see them, they see me. I look at them, they look at me, then my biceps, then my eyes, and back at my general face area, they wink, I don’t wink, I drive away, because she was basic, she was also a brunette, I’m actually just trying to focus on the blondes for a week or so. I will personally serenade you in my Ford Fusion just by humming the intro to Family Guy, it’s that easy.
4. Delicious meals
- What? Do you enjoy Brice making you turd nuggets, lice, and fried sunscreen. Well you shouldn’t, Brice sounds like a real snake, he probably drinks soy milk as well. girl for breakfast I’ll make you pancakes, and then I’ll cater a nice panini into your mouth for lunch. Dinner is another story though, we will have an assigned schedule for dinner for Monday-Friday prepared freshly by my friend, Stellino Aldo Diotauti. on Saturday we will enjoy a nice french meal out on the night of town, Stellino may appear, but I may not see it, he likes to follow me sometimes, it’s weird. Sunday we will start the day off feeding each other grapes one by one, for six hours straight until our reservation at El Zappos la mano comes time.
- I’ll literally give you my credit card!! have a blast! SPOILER ALERT, it’s your ex boyfriend Tim’s, and he is pissed!
So consider all this and go ahead an text your ex goodbye!
John’s hair and competitive relationship with his brothers have only proved he would have loved to play Xbox. “Disregard women get Gamerscore” would be JFKs motto. Sometimes when he was being nagged on by Jacqueline, he would explain he was meeting up with some of his gamer friends and have a Call of Duty tournament at the gamer’s den. In reality he would have had an extra Xbox set up at Marylyn Monroe’s.
LudwigB69 played Xbox for one reason, guitar hero. Connecting via Xbox live he would annihilate any fourteen year old virgin that opposed him on Raining Blood- expert mode. Ludwig was apparently banned from Xbox live for a month for exposing his genitals.
More like user: Malcome_at_me_bro_Xbox. Malcom X loved to spread his word, influencing thousands to listen to him. Malcom X for hours of the day would be in the same Call of Duty Domination lobby ranting on various subjects and degrading the lesser. Calling user Kevinketchup409 a “douchebag” and stating he had relationships with his mother kevinketchup409 grew more and more furious at Malcom’s word choice, until he himself left the lobby and started to do the same to user MouseKing98.
- Anne Frank
Gamer chick alert! With a gamer tag of Pierogi pounder, Anne Frank attracted the attention of many. Questions like “how many pierogis can you fit in your mouth?” and “Hey pierogi pounder, can you say something sexy?” gained Anne quite the Xbox reputation. Even when she would play indie team based games like Castle Crashers, she always found herself being brought down because of sex.
- 2.Abraham Lincoln
Emancipate the noobs, Honest Abe is coming through. Abe’s gamertag was noticed as FugDaPolice and any lobby he entered surely had upset noobs leaving. Abe started his Call of Duty career with a K/D of 3.8 and currently works with a 4.1, which ladies if there are ladies reading this, is really good.
Wilmington, Delaware-Throwing one of the maddest parties since his older brother Scott’s rager, local teen Jake Young, 19, was caught by his neighbors for disrupting the peace within the neighborhood and throwing several mini kegs off his roof into the Robinson’s yard, Multiple sources have agreed. “Jake was obviously intoxicated, disregarded his parents trust, and allowed many girls to remove articles of their clothing to partake in a beer filled water balloon fight,” said neighbor Ken Lippert, who was outside walking his first place shiatsu show-dog. No cops showed to the party, but it was heard that Lidia Robinson did call Jake’s parents and notified them on his disruptive behaviors, Lidia was also upset to see her son Dempsey, 19, was not invited to the party, due to his collection of Magic the gathering card set and the fact he owns a hat rack that contains several designer hats, fedoras, and scarves. Peter Robinson came inside the house to make everyone leave and got another teenager, Dick Pleats, 18, who was a DD for the party so Samantha Crowser would let him cop a feel later when he dropped her off. Dick who was willing to talk stated “nah dude, shit was chill, Jake is the man, it was pretty tight, I saw like six girls make out. I got Cheryl baxter’s numbers, she isn’t that hot, but will totally put out, at least that is what Jake said haha. But nah man, Jake had some bros over and we decided to notch it up some, we had a sweet game of beer blast going on, Marshal won the pong tournament, and I’m sure Henry got some action in Mr. and Mrs. Young’s room as well,” Jake was heard to have walked away taking a drag of his cigarette. It was told the Youngs were to arrive the next day, leaving their wine tasting vacation a day earlier than planned. We happened to have been fortunate enough to get a text from Jake’s friend Caleb, who read the text to one of our writers, it read “yo waddup Caleb, I probably cant chill tonight, my parents are pretty pissed about the party, but since I am doing pretty well right now at Mark Salzberg College of Science and History, my parents said I will only be grounded for a week. Yo, did you see Jessica’s boobs? they were so gross haha.” It was reported that Mr. Young was chill about the party and ended up letting Jake hang out with Caleb and the boys later that night.