1. Owned a pair of giraffe skin gloves
2. Waxed his thigh hairs, hair was donated to orphans
3. Made wooden spoons with his cousin “Dale Digorno” local pizza owner, no relation to the famous frozen pizza fortune.
4. averaged 23.4 points in his high school basketball career
6. Had a sick-nasty lasagna recipe
7. collected japanese katanas
8. Force-fed his children the meat of opposing politcian’s dogs
9. Watched his father bleed to death while his dad watched him beat his Galaga high score. Initials put into the sysytem for the high score: A S S
10. Was not a fan of the confederate flag, because the design wasn’t to his standards or criteria due to his intro to design class 1102 at the local community college.
Don’t fly the confederate flag, kids! Robert wouldn’t want this.
For those of you wondering why I haven’t posted in a while, that’s easy. Vow of Silence. That’s right, Steve jobs, Nelson Mandela, Abe Lincoln, Robin Williams, and I all went to Tibet for some sweet R&R and spiritual meditation with the monks. One month in, I couldn’t take it anymore, and I just had to ask the question on my mind: “What is everyone’s favorite Jane Lynch head shot?”, of course Steve just stared at me and secreted angry bird juice from his mouth. For disrespecting the monks I was banished outside the temple. Hungry, alone, and equipped with my scimitar, I walked to the nearest village like 3 blocks down and made my humble abode there. About 5 months went by and I was arrested for manipulating middle age women to purchase illegal blends of shampoo for me. But now that I’m back in the states I thought I would get back on track with my writing that we all hate and despise!
From Drinking Nattys To Becoming A Daddy
Like most people with the XY chromosome they can be pointed out as males. Science right? Wrong. Okay, so people are born as babies, which is true, Science 1 for 2 right now, I’d take those odds when it comes to asking girls out! which right now is 0 for 0, I’m really shy. So let’s face it, you joined a fraternity or became the overload douche you were made to become. Basically you peaked and now face the facts of having to grow up. So what do you do? Get a job? buy a jet ski, get a girlfriend, she was lame so you dump her, start dating her friend( her friend is wayy cooler, did you cheat on her? probably, lol, props), take her on hella dates, give her crazy amounts of smooches, finally ask her to marry your sorry-ass, sell your jet ski, get a job promotion, make a pros-cons list of why you should buy a jet ski again, cancel the marriage. Rinse and repeat until your lady friend will allow you to get a jet skit. OKAY! You found a girl who will let you have a jet ski, wife her up. BOOM you’re doing great making 80k a year, but you love drinking that urine flavored beer and talking to your old college pals about how Jeremy’s mom still got a donk, BUT SHE DOES BRO (INSERT IMAGE INTO YOUR MIND OF MJ MAKING A SWEET DELICIOUS DUNK). Today, I bring before you a 5 step program that can show you how to become a real man. Enjoy it.
1. Remove your fraternity tattoo/ quit your hip hop band
So many guys get their frat tattoo on their body, So I’m here to show you how certain tattoos can turn into new and cooler tattoos that everyone can love. What do you want to see, some kid that used to prey on girls 5 years younger than them? Or the man that makes them pancakes every Saturday.
Here is a chart on how to turn your frat tatoo into something new and cool
Wow! from being a pike, you become someone who likes the outdoors, surfing, and space! Nice! Oh you were an SAE? easy, you love fish so you got a sweet magical fish tattoo! Lamda chi? easy, you lost your arm in a motorcycle accident
Oh also stop your rapping career
2. No more theft
listen theft isn’t cool, I know paying $15 for a Billy Idol CD is ridiculous, you don’t see me bringing my CD converter into Wal-mart and uploading it onto my computer, just pay the $15 and tell your wife to lose some weight, we all know the world is angry at you and you have to take it out on other people. Also, to those dads who think they’re getting away with walking into a store with flip flops and walking our with sneakers, I know who you are. Stop asking for water cup and filling it up with ginger ale, it’s not a life hack, you’re an asshole, and you drive a leased Lexus. You’re the worst of all people.
3. Inspire your child
You don’t need to over-impress your kid, your kid is going to love him as long as you show him your love, don’t be the dad from ELF. Get in shape, buy a bow-flex, bow-flexing is the shit. I bow flex 2 hours a day and I have crazy chest striations, from all skin tightening injections I’m getting? Yeah, but I don’t tell anyone about that. interact with your child and always quote Sigmund Freud, Hemingway, or any dude from the 1800’s who was an alcoholic depressed ass-hat, People will be like “Wow, you really know how to interact and inspire your child, maybe come over when my husband isn’t home and we can watch Desperate House Wives”, but you’ll be like ” Nah I know all about you anti-Jet ski speech, have fun in the desolate pit of hell, you succubus she wolf”.
4. Buy your kid off
I see tons of young adults who are so happy in life and don’t realize what kind of monster their parents might be, but men make more than women, so it’s your dad who is raking in the dough, hence making this article about becoming a daddy. People love things, and things cost money, no kid is going to be asking questions when you’re firing hundreds out of your hands like an armed combatant with heavy artillery. Most people who I see having money spoon fed into their mouths are happy campers, because, why not? #Hillary2016
What if I told you all of this could be avoided? Kids, wasting your money on their pointless needs, while you can aim the cannon of cash-seesh right into your own face. Instead of watching your child play on his overpriced travel baseball team, take you and your babe of a wife on a topless jet skit ride, hot right? Hell yeah! Without children, you can drink Nattys still! You’ll have no one to take care of while being under the influence, but yourself! And I bet your wife will be right by your side! No one wants to see Tim Tebow play in the NFL and no one wants to see your children’s shitty art. The choice is yours, grow up, have kids or live life and die on your jet ski.
So you just got a girlfriend, which I’m assuming was through my SCOOP system, and she wants you to meet her sailboat enthusiasts of parents. Well luckily for you, I have had over thirty girlfriends and nearly sixty new friends. I’m saying that I am still friends with my ex’s parents, damn right. Actually last week I was with Mr. and Mrs. Hemmington helping them pick out a new oak dresser for their recently added library. Having a girlfriend is cool and all, but a friend in their mid 50’s- early 60’s is like cloning brad Pitt and installing a small device in his brain membrane to high five you whenever you are in need of a high five. Do you get what I am saying? How cool would it be to brag to all of your douchey friends in your spin class about how brad Pitt loves high fiving you, and then brad Pitt actually coming through with his end of the deal(DONT GET BRAD WET OR FEED HIM AFTER MIDNIGHT, HE IS A GREMLIN). Now I don’t date girls, because I want to become their friend, but that’s the Seinfeld lifestyle, AKA dating a ton of women and I just remolded my apartment after Jerry’s. That being said, I have compiled a list of facts and magical steps to take in an orderly fashion to let your girlfriend’s parents allow you to drive their new Tesla Mr. June got with his retirement money.
Bring a small gift, I’m talking about candles, create your own salad maker, and even an exotic fish. Bringing a gift will show the parents you are going to be interested in their mindless daughter for the long run, which they will appreciate oh so much!
Find out where the parents live and investigate what they do with your unsuccessful friend DJ Ramstamp. After you and the Stamp gather enough data, head back to your local Starbucks and unload your data all over their free wi-fi. I’m talking about pumping out Mega and mega-megabytes of information on your Google.dox. Gather this info inside your new Google glass you got from Patrick Gimsky, because he is a tool who buys his friends off. The Google glass will allow you to see what similarities you create on your .dox to impress the old hags you will soon become friends with to use their boat for your sweet Japanese themed boat party
Shave your soul patch and fauxhawk, or if you are wearing an old beret, spice it up with buttons or a new PGA tour themed fedora. Find a highly desired instagram male model you follow due to your self-consciousness in your lack of style and create a whole new wardrobe that can compare to the one you can’t afford.
Bribery, when you meet the father sneak a jackson from your hand to his when you mutually shake his deadbeat hand. He will know what is up, he was once a kooky young male like yourself. After the exchange be prepared to check out his sweet guitar collection and listen to him jam it out to “HBO best of soundtrack series” Dvd
Find a women who just recently got out of a coma who is at least like a 6/10( this can be hard, because Hot babes are never in comas). Once you find the girl, wait next to her with flowers until she wakes up and she will realize you were her past lover. Hire actors from reasonable internet sites and have them crash at your place until you can take your new girlfriend out of the hospital. Once she is home she will remember that she does in fact have parents and she will accept the ones in front of her. Once she is there propose to her and move to Seattle where you two can start a new life, with her having no idea!
Are you and your wildebeest of a wife having trouble punishing your children? Signs point to yes, because you’re here on a blog reading a stranger’s advice, unless you’re one of my friends who know I make these things with a less than mediocre attempt at sarcasm. Which you ended up clicking the link I sent you via Twitter, Facebook, or Buzzfeed, just to say “Yeah I did read your blog, Steven, now please stop rubbing french vanilla yogurt in my ears and untie my step dad David”. Children can be hard, I was there once, a child myself. I once injected crystallized crest toothpaste into my great uncle’s chicken breast when he wasn’t looking. Sure he is blind and has to eat from a tube, but you got to admit, an astonishing prank performed at expertise navigation. What I’m trying to say is, Children play in dirt, and dirt is categorized with Ebola, do the math, Children = Ebola.
1. Jurisdiction Law
Listen you need to take no chances of your kid becoming the next Ted Bundy or Steven Glansberg, that means early development of behavioral problems need to be ruled by court immediately. Legally your child will be bound by law to listen to your advice and know his/her wrongdoing before even doing it. Don’t worry, you can cross efficiency off your list of parenting, you’re welcome.
2. The Cage
Buy a dog crate and fill it with pine straw and poison ivy, your child will make mistakes and you will have to stretch out that necessary punishment. One hour-three days in this bad boy should show your kid that life isn’t all about disrespecting their parents, but that sometimes hanging out and agreeing with them works 10 times out of 10.
3. Over-sized shoes
If your child’s foot is the size of an iPhone 4, making them wear your douchey high top Adidas basketball shoes will show them a new meaning of embarrassment.
4. Put him in charge of the financial burden you have
This dipshit kid is probably putting you and your wife’s total earned salary of $60,000 straight into a hold. So the smart and responsible thing to do is have him pay the bills and take care of any financial business that is needed. Since he is a child he will have no clue or any idea on how to organize and send anything out on time
5. Leave your wife
Listen, this is the most efficient way of punishment, not only do you get rid of your child, you get to leave the country and start a whole new life. Who knows, you can become a karate instructor in Guam, making peg legs in Tokyo, or even just doing a similar job what you did in the States, but now in Canada.
6. Hire child actors to bully him at school
Children strive off popularity at school, and having someone knowing their weakness, you’re hired actor can easily chop down your child’s positive mindset. Every day your child will be saddened, less and less, having him deprived at home, just laying in bed listening to the Jersey Boy’s soundtrack on reverse for a few repeated hours. “WAIT WHAT?!?!?! My child is going to just be laying in bed inside his melancholy state of mind? That means he won’t be up to shenanigans and his father and I can get back to sensual back rubs”- every mother ever, because that’s a genius Idea.
Honestly just leave him in a New Jersey shopping mall
Best Buy can be a great store, but you also have to keep a lookout for weirdos, goths, and other groups of people you can easily stereotype. Best Buy is a great store for many great products, except for finding friends which only leads to a hole inside your heart.
1. Avoid eye contact with a man’s woman
Guys get super jealous when you look at their babe. If you happen to be starring at a woman, which you probably are unless they’re ugly, I personally say great job! Because chances are you are using my S.C.O.O.P system. Guys will tend to gain roid rage and throw a half off Lost dvd collection at you. To avoid such, simply run towards the customer services desk yelling and pointing at the man chasing you
2. Purchasing a CD
it’s 2014, this is pretty much self explanatory
3. Don’t bring in your limited edition 1984 Japanese Katana sword
Most stores and public places don’t allow weapons of any sort, Best Buy’s manager Katherine makes this rule strictly enforced. I don’t know how may times I’ve been escorted out of a Best Buy for trying to show people in the sound department my new sword trick I’ve learned.
4. You can’t make home in a Best Buy
Sometimes I am kicked out of my house for cooking(oven, microwave, never stove top) articles of my parent’s clothes for scientific research to gain knowledge in time travel and fashion. I also was kicked out of my home once for running a low-key Colonoscopy clinic in my basement which had great deals on Colonoscopies and foot rubs. If forced out of your home, living in a Best Buy can be tough due to lack of food, security cameras, and a poor choice of demos you can play. Nutrient is key in today’s society and trying to be the healthy human I am, mountain dew and hard pretzels don’t give me the vitamins and minerals I need. Katherine is always on my tail whenever I try to stay at Best Buy, many times( every time) I am escorted out by the cops and fined heavily. Playing stage one of the new Sonic game keeps getting old and old, I personally grow tired of it and hope to play the new Mario Kart 8 station whenever Katherine decides to be a decent manager and release the appropriate Kiosk.
5. Avoid the Geek Squad fascism club
Geek squad is a club that can be awarded “biggest douche of 2014” with no trouble. I’ve been denied a job there several times and Katherine’s Fiance Carlos can be a true used-kleenex when it comes to applying due to my interactions towards Katherine. Geek squad also charges ridiculous costs to fix computers and electronic wares and fails to have the same attire as that lame TV show from 2008 on NBC called Chuck
There you have it! Katherine please call me back
Dads are like animals. They eat, sleep, and yell at their children. So let’s face it, dads are just always in a pissy mood, or at least mine is. Last night my dad cancelled my HBO subscription, because my After Hours entertainment was running the DVR full and he couldn’t watch Survivor or Everyone Loves Raymond. From Dads having great taste in Eddie Bauer and whatever their wife buys them off the TJ Maxx clearance rack, their clothing only makes their anger strive for more hilarity.
HOW TO PISS OFF YOUR DAD
1. Fill his lawnmower up with mountain dew instead of gas
Dads strive off great looking lawns, if his lawnmower isn’t starting, smelling like a cheaply made soft drink for the least, He is going to get pissed. He might throw your PS3 into the tiny man made lake behind your Aunts house, so just keep your skyrim data loaded on an extra flash drive just in case, Don’t worry bro, I got your back.
2. Punch him square right in the balls
BAM! shot to the nuts, that would piss me off!
3. Don’t do good in school
Just don’t even go to class, what are you learning about? How Society has evolved from different parts including 5 different stages like Hunting and Gathering, which was a small nomadic setting in which few people lived about, either hunting or gathering for resources. Another stage being the Pastoral & Horticulture, Pastoral of course died out, but Horticulture started Permanent settlements and started the use of hand tools. Society then turned into an Agricultural system, creating the plow, making a surplus of food and a small development of cities. Let’s not forget the 3rd social reform, the Industrial society. The industrial society started family wages, people moved in from farms to cities, wealth accumulation started to take hold, women too even got to become involved in making terrible money and working as sloths in a factory, and lets not forget the Inequality that developed. Post industrial societies started after the industrial revolution, which created a storage and database of knowledge, aka YouTube and Hotmail. The last reform, which can be controversial at times according to different theorists, is the Biotech-biochemical society. This society can alter plant/ animal genetics for the purpose of creating food, medicine, and materials. Wow, wait that is some really interesting stuff, actually. Hey bro, maybe you should go to school, pursue your dream of art school or whatever.
4. Ruin his Roller Coaster Tycoon progress
Go on to his work laptop from 2003 and and just start wrecking his park, I mean start putting people in the fountain, don’t sell delicious food, honestly just delete the desktop icon, no way he will go to his C:/ file-Downloads, and drag it back onto his desktop.
5. Call his golf game bad
Let him know who is boss
6. If he looks at you, tell him he doesn’t know how to use an iPhone
Dads love iphones, they sit on that bad boy 8 hours of their day, playing angry birds and any other app that gets them from having to talk to their wife. Saying this will make your pops furious, he might even download more apps to just show off his cloud data bragging rights.
7. Call him an environmentalist
Your dad probably voted for Reagan, not some Nancy green party douche bag Al Gore. Saying this to your dad is like telling a manager of Walmart an Associates degree is the same thing as a GED.
8. Buy Frozen
why would he want to watch that movie? I thought it would be a great movie for us to enjoy dad, but noo you gotta watch your weekly rerun of the Soup Nazi.
9. use his credit card to buy a plane ticket to Oslo
Yeah dad I want to travel to Oslo, I heard its beautiful and my cyber girlfriend Charlene lives there, her pro pics are hot, but I’m only expecting a 6/10, which doesn’t bother me, because she gets me
10. use his chapstick
hahaha can you say ew?! Honestly it just irritates me when people use my chapstick, so maybe try this one out?
Hope you guys enjoyed my post!
Hey Danny Lumberg, I know you didn’t invite me to your Bar mitzvah, don’t be an ass, I made out with your ex girlfried, but what do you expect? I’m a stallion that runs across water, breathing fire, with my hair flowing in the wind.
So you are dating some dude named Chett Anderson, he just pledged for a fraternity that only 53 other boys care about, he also is thinking about getting that tribal tat on his 9 inch bicep his sister designed for him, and let’s not forget that he didn’t even complete the main story line in skyrim. Yeah Chett sounds like the worst, because he is the worst and so is any other guy you ladies are dating. So you want to dump the douche and jump up on the stallion? Well then this guide is for you. You can be a married woman as well, I’m taking all applications.
1. My killer biceps and triceps
- Let’s face it, your boyfriend probably doesn’t hit the gym, he spends 45 minutes on the elliptical and then proceeds to barely rep 135 twice on bench. I don’t even know how many times I can bench 135, because I don’t bench 135, I slap on 3 plates on go ape shit. And when I’m not benching 315 like a power house, I’m probably in the core room correcting hot girl’s terrible form.
2. I’ll massage your feet
- That’s right, your current boyfriend Jake probably doesn’t even know your feet exist. I’ll personally buy the massage creme and get lathering. “Oh also what kind of relaxing music do you listen to? Oh the soundtrack to Tarzan? Hell yeah I love Tarzan(Bullshit, I don’t).” The only happy ending she will be receiving is a wink from my eyes, an extra key I copied from Home Depot for my heart, and maybe like season 5 of The Office if she asks to borrow it
3. Driving Right
- So Mark is leaving in 16 minutes to pick you up in his PT Cruiser, at least we know who wears the tampons in the relationship. I don’t drive some nancy-mobile, I drive the world’s sexiest and most lavish car, the Ford Fusion. I whip my 2010 Fusion day and night hunting for the ladies. I see them, they see me. I look at them, they look at me, then my biceps, then my eyes, and back at my general face area, they wink, I don’t wink, I drive away, because she was basic, she was also a brunette, I’m actually just trying to focus on the blondes for a week or so. I will personally serenade you in my Ford Fusion just by humming the intro to Family Guy, it’s that easy.
4. Delicious meals
- What? Do you enjoy Brice making you turd nuggets, lice, and fried sunscreen. Well you shouldn’t, Brice sounds like a real snake, he probably drinks soy milk as well. girl for breakfast I’ll make you pancakes, and then I’ll cater a nice panini into your mouth for lunch. Dinner is another story though, we will have an assigned schedule for dinner for Monday-Friday prepared freshly by my friend, Stellino Aldo Diotauti. on Saturday we will enjoy a nice french meal out on the night of town, Stellino may appear, but I may not see it, he likes to follow me sometimes, it’s weird. Sunday we will start the day off feeding each other grapes one by one, for six hours straight until our reservation at El Zappos la mano comes time.
- I’ll literally give you my credit card!! have a blast! SPOILER ALERT, it’s your ex boyfriend Tim’s, and he is pissed!
So consider all this and go ahead an text your ex goodbye!