Teen gets Caught Hosting House Party

chil party

 

Wilmington, Delaware-Throwing one of the maddest parties since his older brother Scott’s rager, local teen Jake Young, 19, was caught by his neighbors for disrupting the peace within the neighborhood and throwing several mini kegs off his roof into the Robinson’s yard, Multiple sources have agreed.  “Jake was obviously intoxicated, disregarded his parents trust, and allowed many girls to remove articles of their clothing to partake in a beer filled water balloon fight,” said neighbor Ken Lippert, who was outside walking his first place shiatsu show-dog.  No cops showed to the party, but it was heard that Lidia Robinson did call Jake’s parents and notified them on his disruptive behaviors, Lidia was also upset to see her son Dempsey, 19, was not invited to the party, due to his collection of Magic the gathering card set and the fact he owns a hat rack that contains several designer hats, fedoras, and scarves.  Peter Robinson came inside the house to make everyone leave and got another teenager, Dick Pleats, 18, who was a DD for the party so Samantha Crowser would let him cop a feel later when he dropped her off.  Dick who was willing to talk stated “nah dude, shit was chill, Jake is the man, it was pretty tight, I saw like six girls make out. I got Cheryl baxter’s numbers, she isn’t that hot, but will totally put out, at least that is what Jake said haha.  But nah man, Jake had some bros over and we decided to notch it up some, we had a sweet game of beer blast going on, Marshal won the pong tournament, and I’m sure Henry got some action in Mr. and Mrs. Young’s room as well,” Jake was heard to have walked away taking a drag of his cigarette.  It was told the Youngs were to arrive the next day, leaving their wine tasting vacation a day earlier than planned.  We happened to have been fortunate enough to get a text from Jake’s friend Caleb, who read the text to one of our writers, it read “yo waddup Caleb, I probably cant chill tonight, my parents are pretty pissed about the party, but since I am doing pretty well right now at Mark Salzberg College of Science and History, my parents said I will only be grounded for a week. Yo, did you see Jessica’s boobs? they were so gross haha.” It was reported that Mr. Young was chill about the party and ended up letting Jake hang out with Caleb and the boys later that night.

Good Music: Walden

Hi, I’m Steven

Today I’ll be talking about music, and a band I personally know.

Walden is a band consisted of four members, a great number in terms of a band. Rock Band allows for four players to jam, and I can never say I’ve had a bad rock band experience.  Fortunately, Walden gets to play real life rock band, and for Andrew who is the real winner for always being the drummer.

walden

Walden creates a great taste of Indie rock with a slight seasoning of smooooth pop. Their music can be enjoyed by every age, unless you’re like 100 years old, because chances are your hearing is terrible.  Any atmosphere is an atmosphere to listen to Walden; like sitting by the pool, getting dumped, or maybe just relaxing in your room after your hockey game.  Everyone should listen to Walden. If you’re an uncle, show your nephew/niece Walden, it might change their life for the better.

Walden uses instruments, tools/objects that make noise and when put together right creates harmony.  Each member of the band uses a certain tool and does in fact create harmony. Watch out ladies, every girl who listens in a one mile radius will become pregnant(besides family members, because that’s weird).

Band Members:

Eric Hangartner:  keyboard/guitareric

  • Nice hair
  • Allergic to peanut butter
  • Probably is a fan of Walden
  • My biological father
  • First prize at roller derby palooza 2009

Richard Becker:  Vocals/guitar richard

  • One of my dearest friends
  • His mother is a mean cook
  • Great beard
  • Adventurous and loves the outdoors
  • Once created a song track in his bathroom

Jamie de Lange: Bassjamie

  • Another good friend of mine
  • Originated from South Africa (he has the accent, ladies)
  • Always dressed to the nine in groovy attire
  • Very pop culturally aware
  • Looks like someone from Flight of the Concords  

Andrew MendelDrumsandrew

  • Nasty badminton hook shot
  • Refurbishes ENO hammocks
  • Walden’s practice took place in his basement
  • Owns a .9mm
  • Broke a solid gold drum stick in a drum battle against Satan

 

Walden will be in Athens for most of April and you should check them out

da band

Date and times:

Sunday April 6th

Hendershots at 7pm, performs at 9pm

 

Saturday April 12th

Spring game day tailgate 11:30am-12:45pm

 

Friday April 25th

Theta Chi frat party(Moocoo) starts at 6pm until 7:30

 

Sunday April 27th 

May day festival. Melting point. Outside stage 4:30pm- 5pm

 

check out their Facebook page:

https://www.facebook.com/bandwalden

 

Steven’s Wilderness Survival Kit 2.0

promo

Hey pedestrians, I hope everyone is enjoying the new spring season.  Many great things can come out of the spring time; like girl’s in booty shorts, girl’s wearing sexier clothing, girl’s not wearing sweats, and the Minecraft larpers down on 19th street.  But, the best activity is hiking, backpacking, and/or camping.  These are fun ways to get outside and enjoy the fresh air, and especially when it comes to playing human dart board (R.I.P Dwyane).  Camping out requires many normal and everyday objects in order to survive in the woods, but many don’t know about the items you need when you get lost.  That is why I am making a guide on what to get and bring just in case you get lost.  Also I want to warn all of you that doing anything outdoors is very dangerous, and if you already have a nice Call of Duty set up going on, just stick with that.

 

1. Shurikens-

Danger!! DANGER! the only defense mechanism to prevent any injury to yourself or anyone around you.  Have you ever seen someone with a shuriken? I personally haven’t, but if I did, I’m like 100% sure I’d squeeze a brick out.  Shurikens are lightweight and look super badass, they can penetrate 9 inches of skin, tear through steel, and get any girl to date you.

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2. A copy of Sex and the city: season 2 loaded into a portable DVD player with extra batteries-

Sex and the City is hilarious! Sometimes you’re going to have some down time to watch TV or movies, don’t waste your time with any other type of movie or tv show, animals will flee up to miles upon hearing Sarah Jessica Parker’s voice, and dead on impact if they come into contact with the screen.

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3. graphic Bowser T-shirt-

Bowser is the man, and this was my favorite shirt growing up.  Wearing this T-shirt will prevent you from getting laid, but it will give nerds within a 10 mile radius of where you are, so they can question you or not if they should buy the shirt.  Tell them yes, and they should escort you out to their mom’s volvo.

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4. Spicy brown mustard-

Personally I just love spicy brown mustard, I recommend it.  It contains lots of nutrients and the standard 12 oz bottle can let you survive for up to 3 weeks.

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5. KY jelly-

Sometimes you might need to slip though rocks and small cracks, getting drenched in KY will have you slipping through any sized area.  The best part of KY is you don’t even have to buy it, usually you can find it in your parent’s bed room. Glad to have smart and cautious parents when it comes to the outdoors!

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6. A birthday card signed by one of your aunts/uncles-

Let’s face it, you’re going to feel terrible and super sad outside for days to weeks to months to years to you could be the next Natalie Hollaway, but bring one of your favorite birthday cards signed by your favorite aunt or uncle.  The cheerful message will brighten up your face and give you a reason to live.

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7. Box filled with your dandruff from 8th grade-

Sometimes you might run into small nomadic civilizations.  The currency in many of these villages are dandruff, 8th grade is usually the best year to collect dandruff for quality and quantity.  Showing this special dandruff filled box, you will probably have enough dandruff to purchase whatever you want, but stick with survival necessities, and not a night with the cheifton’s daughter, they are trained to be heartbreakers.

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8. Leg brace for emergency polio outbreaks-

You never know where polio can be, and who has it.  For all we know FDR could roaming the forest, haunting it with his presence and cursing the trespassers with his magic. So bring a brace, and if you feel the presence strap that baby on, and start praising your love for taxes.  Don’t bring up his relationship to Teddy, he can see past your polio leg brace lie.  And if you do end up getting polio, well it turns out you got a leg brace, you’re basically cheating the system.

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The S.C.O.O.P System

Have you ever failed to talk to girls? Do you find it hard to get a date? Well don’t worry Citizens, I created a system that will have you S.C.O.O.P-ing girls right up!!! 

 

 

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S- Stare: Staring at a girl never fails, they say if you stare at a girl long enough a vortex will form around her finger creating a wedding band. I’ve tried this process and it has a 0% success rate from seven different women. But in terms of staring, making eye contact will force a woman to talk to you. She may think it’s creepy and try to run away, but chances are you are faster than her and are able to tackle her. (only works best for blue eyes). 

 

C- Call: Once you successfully completed the eye contact phrase (doesn’t work so well when you tackle them) you will have the girl’s number/ whoever’s number she gave you.  Once you got that bad boy wait a good six hours, if necessary you can go for four hours, she would probably prefer about a day, but the early bird gets in line first at Golden Corral, am I right? 

 

O- Over analyze: After she has received your phone call and accepted your offer to go on a date, Purchase a Bulletin board (try to spend around $20, anything under is just terrible quality and probably made in Korea).  Once acquired spend about thirteen hours- four days bringing up things she likes, enjoys, and interests she may have(you can probably get this info from her Facebook or by threatening a lawsuit against her boss).  Connect all these things together with string and posted pictures, all this data should construct a good way to keep up conversation, and make for a great date at the one and only place you should take your date…

 

O-Outback Steakhouse: That’s right, you take your honey to Outback, you know the Hostess, Leila, she is going to hook you up with the dual booth in the back with the nicest array of boomerangs placed above the wall. What’s that? your waiter Dan is asking what you want as an appetizer? Well you tell Dan he better have that Bloomin Onion out in five minutes, because you got a stomach, and your stomach is hungry, and you know what you stomach wants? your stomach wants freshly fried pieces of giant slices of Onion inside itself. Once you and your date finish the bloomin Onion, tell Dan to bring out Wood-fire grilled pork chops for yourself, and a plate of golden Mahi for your lady. Once ordered, Dan will give the signal wink and you will begin conversation of the subjects you pinned to the bulletin board. If your date continues to ask why you ordered for her, because she wanted the Sirloin Diablo, you just keep bringing up her ex boyfriend Patrick and how he got his third DUI. After you two enjoy your delicious meals, Dan will have already brought out the Chocolate Thunder From Down Under. Now after this your date is going to be stuffed, I mean like she is going to burst something in her stomach, like aliens coming out of that perfect ab workout stomach of hers, but you will just sit there and wait for the final orders. 

 

P- Propose: That’s right, you pull out a 14K white gold diamond ring, and you look at her dead right into the eyes. And you Say “Babe, listen here, I know I haven’t known you for more than a whole week, but dammit if you aren’t the most beautiful girl I’ve seen. Will you do me the honor?”, and like that, level ball thrown, Mewtwo has been caught.  Now you will may get responses like: “Steven, I’m already married with two children” or “Aren’t you that guy from those bail bond commercials?”, but those occasions are rare.  I would reccomend on waiting for atleast 7 months until the proposal though, but who knows, sometimes when you see a girl you just gotta stare at her and tackle her asking for a date to Outback steakhouse. Love is beautiful. 

 

Congratulations! You have been educated on the S.C.O.O.P system, I hope it only brings you endless and romantic love. 

I believe that I , Steven Kootz, has what it takes to make it in the NFL as a quarterback

You heard it ladies, I have what it takes. I know what plays my future team(probably the Vikings lol) will need to run to score all them TDs.

1. Athleticism- I am super athletic, I’ve played over 4 sports, 5 total growing up. Swimming, baseball, basketball, hockey, and of course football.  I have such a variety of athleticism, ESPN has called me the white Deion Sanders, as well as referring to me by my name Steven Kootz, because I’m soon to be the greatest.

athletic

2. Agility- I race Steads every Thursday, you think some pity pass rusher can tangle me up in his big strong arms? probably not.

agile

3. Brains- I’m smart, I know who to throw it to. I know where the defense is at all time. I know everything, even where the treasure buried at Lambo field.

 

4. equipped with weapons- that’s right, I have a knife hidden in my thigh pads, I’ll stab you if I feel like it’s appropriate.

weapons

5. I look beautiful in a football jersey- stack me up in some pads and pull that jersey over, you like? Yes, yes you do like. And you know what, I will accept that endorsement offer from Curtis Lindenstein’s hair gel for $8 million

6. I’ll be rich- I’ll probably set up a 401k plan just for Ferraris.

Jed Leceister Audi Q3 White blue

7. Beautiful face- I’m gorgeous

8. training- I train for 9 days of the week, 9 DAYS? Yeah 9 days, I defy physics and reality and break into other dimensions and spend my time there training.

gal

9. I got a guy who can sell me some Tom Brady blood- Blood transfusions so I’ll always be in tip top shape

tom brady

10. American citizen- That’s right, I Steven Kootz was born in the United States.

100 Years of Scouting

What I did in 2013

 

Yo i didn’t sit at home watching Godfather movies and playing battlefield of duty. I was out making paper and stacks. So here is a list to show you what I did. Enjoy it hosers. 

  1. I traveled to Kenya and saved thousands of locals from bee infested homes
  2. I rode horses with the entire cast of “america’s next top model”
  3. bare knuckled boxed Mandela (RIP)
  4. spent $600 on a pair of designer jeans I made myself, thank you self. No problem self 
  5. Alexander Ovechkin and I watched Taken  2
  6. eat a tube of chap stick 
  7. 3 girls begged me to draw them as Jasmine from “Aladdin” I didn’t do it! I was busy with getting to the cinema to watch hamlet 
  8. Defeated a dragon and mounted it’s head on my uncle’s wall in his basement
  9. I birthed my own child, I defied physics and yes I a male birthed little Davey
  10. bought a Nintendo game cube in mint condition 

Steven Kootz

Young man, brave heart, and overall musically talented Steven makes a list abut his personality and traits. Enjoy

Image

Strengths:

nice guy

cooks a mean bratwurst

Can out bench press any of his friends

love stapling papers together

can massage a girls back for hours

blue eyes

traditional father

won’t call you out for the obvious

Swedish girls love me

Overall winner

soft skin

spits game

“hater proof”

brave enough to put mustard on anything (as long as its spicy)

owns four V-necks

Is okay if you’re into necromancy

super good rep w/ Nike clothing apparel

wears contacts

has the baddest chick around

doesn’t break glass

won “Most athletic” for Pope high school class of 2013

killer blog

steven aaah

 

Weakness: 

listens to NPR

doesn’t wear beanies

would rather eat a banana than flank steak (POTASSIUM)

speaks poor english

will steal your girl

Caroline Morrison hates me :(

has like 30 cousins

doesn’t act his age

Caucasian

male

sensitive teeth

lack of facial hair

surplus of leg and stomach hair

eats way to much onions

VitruvianMan

 

Physical features:

Height: 6’2″

Weight: 185 lbs

sexy biceps

traps are super fit, can shoulder shrug 2 plates all day

lack of six pack

size 12 feet

hair: thick and german

long nails

ponytail

golden ratio nose

lips are softer than suede and smoother than brick oven pizza

thum

Likes: 

clean cut jeans

GAP

cats

Ford Fusions

Dustin Mizelle’s compliments

Persian girls

sneezing

talking to strangers

thighs

Bonsai tree

Long chins

yelling “BANG BANG” and dancing by himself

animal crossing

toes

getting picked up at airports

Dislikes: 

getting laughed

noogies

mackelmore

not fly enough to join wiz California and his bois

food stamps

China

being on World star

flossing

his bank account

lack of ability to skate board

urine

Motivation: 

any woman with a good C-section story

Lord of the Rings

Ryan gosling

Nick names: 

Stevey J

Old Dutch

Pastor ape killa

dumb ass

Super bowl rings: 

0

$25 Williams somana gift card

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