It has been reported that actress/singer/song writer Selena Gomez has filed several complaints against Jeb Bush for sending numerous messages that made her feel uncomfortable and unsafe at times. Selena told her sources “it started to get weird when I got pictures of him and George shirtless holding jack-hammers,” but things had been civil and friendly beforehand. Selena and Jeb met at an Urban Outfitters, where Selena was shopping for a new scarf that had Steve Buscemi’s face embroidered on it. Jeb, meanwhile, was said to be roller skating around trying to promote his presidential campaign, but was actually trying to get a good peak of what was going on in the dressing room, sources say. Jeb crashed into Selena and had her fall into his lap to break the fall. The two started talking due to each other’s celebrity status and traded phone numbers to collab on some new hybrid political music video with Jeb drinking Florida’s nasty tap water from an antique tea kettle. Instead of going through Selena’s publicist for the music video, Jeb took matters into his own hands to communicate with Selena. The communication seemed civil sticking to topics such as The Muppets, scar stories, and Vladimir Putin’s new neck tattoo. Selena apparently led Jeb on, which resulted in Jeb sending some raunchy shirtless pictures, and even threatening to curb stomp her exotic parrot. Selena has filed for a restraining order as well as a police report for her missing Steve Buscemi scarf. Jeb has spoken on the matter saying Selena just wanted to look good for him, and was just a side girl he talked to for a weekend to see if she was down for the crown (what Jeb calls sex). However, no pictures that Selena spoke of have yet surfaced. Until then, Selena wants everyone to go listen to any of her albums and help her get out of financial trouble. In more recent news there is a new civil law suit that has been issued, Steve Buscemi vs. Urban Outfitters. Steve is suing Urban Outfitters for illegally selling his face which he had copyrighted in a court of law that was later approved by all nine Supreme Court judges. Steve is deeply saddened, forcing him to burn his entire closet which was purchased at Urban Outfitters, solely during their 2010 floral campaign. Urban Outfitters solely blames Selena Gomez for this lawsuit, saying Selena’s popular Instagram account was the only reason Buscemi even noticed what could have been their greatest selling collection of scarves yet.
It has come apparent that the president of Russia, Vladimir Putin, has grown tired of throwing what was thought to be a few, but instead multiple house parties this past month. Putin spoke briefly on these parties describing them as “a headache”, “shitty booze with shitty people”, and even “too many tracksuits in my piano room”. The last party that finally ended the streak of Putin’s ragers was held on October 23rd until the 25th which was said to be a big disturbance to the president and his friends. During the party Putin had listed several things being stolen such as: 14lbs of Tavern ham, gold cigarettes, his Rock Band 2 drum set, Obama’s jar of nail clippings, and all of Mr. Putin’s nipple piercings. At first Putin was fine with the parties, what started out as a casual party with vodka spraying, American flag stomping, and who can lick Taylor Swift’s elbow the most times without her knowing turned into an underground DJ trap festival that was named “Tomorrowground” attracting lowlife Americans and Europeans who spent their entire summer job money on these days that became a living hell for Mr. Putin. Putin had lost hope and had to eventually start tear gassing the crowds so him and Michelle Obama could return to grinding to his extensive My Chemical romance playlists on Grooveshark. The short life of Putin’s parties were mainly blamed on Kendall Jenner who began promoting her new line of acne medicine which drove many celebrities and world leaders to get in on her endorsements, and started to “attract the wrong crowd”- Justin Timberlake. Fortunately, Putin had many Syrian refugees put to work by cleaning his destroyed house and bulldozing the “Tomorrowground” festival goers into lakes and rivers. Putin has expressed his excitement for the results and couldn’t be happier to have his house back and the Syrian refugees shipped back to Syria.
This weekend I had the pleasure to sit down with our Secretary of State, John Kerry. Throughout my interview and time talking with Mr. Kerry, the most important thing I would like to bring up is the list of men who he thought were very cute. He wanted to make sure I continued to know he was straight, because he kept telling me he loves his wife, and John Edward’s mistress even more (gave me some weird winks when he said that, then proceeded to slap me on my shoulder with a nice little grasp at the end, felt very nice to be honest). John also continued to talk about his new line of pull-up bars being released this winter in all Sports Authority’s that really are going to pop out your lats. Thankfully, John gave me his personal list of the men he thought were cute, this list contains men throughout Hollywood and sports. Let’s see what you think about the guys here!
John said when he saw life of Pi, the next 30 minutes after the movie he was ordering movie posters, detailed fan art, and even thinking about opening a life of Pi themed bar, until he realized tigers in bars are a bad idea. His favorite part of the movie was seeing Suraj without his shirt inside the boat, running around learning to love the tiger, it really showed the braveness Suraj had.
O. J. Simpson
If you want to see a grown man with two children talk about another man’s muscles for 2 hours, you should arrange an interview with Mr. Kerry! John would not stop blushing when I kept saying O.J. probably murdered his ex-girlfriend and her boyfriend, but John kept saying he was never proven guilty and that made the man even more beautiful.
Vincent van Gogh
With more than seven different iPhone 6 cases of his work, I was more than convinced John enjoyed Van Gogh’s artwork and enjoyed Van Gogh himself even more. Showing me the original Van Gogh self portrait, John could go into every little detail telling me about Van Gogh’s life. Once finished showing me the painting he kissed it and place it back in its case that replenishes the piece of work with Di-methyl Bicarbonate.
Guy Fieri’s Dad
What, why not Guy? We all love Guy! John wouldn’t settle when I said that Guy had all the genes in the family, but when he starting showing me Mr. Fieri’s original home cooking shows from the 1970’s, wow was I surprised! I’ve never seen a man broil so many lamb chops in a slow cooking viking elite oven at once, plus he was wearing the greatest apron ever, it said, “Kiss the cook’s wife, like everyone else”, he had an awful marriage!
John Kerry said that the most handsome and cutest man of all was himself. He started combing his hair and talking about how he could bicep curl 160lbs when he was 23. John even told me that when he traveled to Syria two years ago he won Mr. Syrian Universe, and he wasn’t even a Syrian national citizen, the dude was just such a good looking babe, everyone wanted to see him win and succeed. John also made me feel his calves, which was mind blowing, because they looked as if he had the calves of a 19 year old Korean rugby player, they were incredible!
After the interview, John gave me a big hug, a box filled with Kerry/Edwards wrist bands, and then gave me a real man’s spank to me on my way. I peeked behind me as my cab left and saw him shed a tear and he shook his fist for victory.
As we all know Conspiracy theories like “Zodiac signs” and “Soda is bad for you” are actually lies that politicians like the Bush family implemented years ago. But I’m not here to hold your hand in a bag of chopped off Man Buns, I’m here to tell you the real truth of crazy shit that is real and not made up government libel. These Conspiracy theories I will talk about are highly popular and widely talked about around the nation and probably the world. If it wasn’t for people like me, VICE, Thefatjewish on social media sites, or your Uncle who works at the Morgue you probably wouldn’t be able to get this great creative and 100% accurate blog post.
Herman Cain is actually a butt-guy, not a boob-guy
As we all know our friend Herman Cain brought in the pain for the 2012 Presidential election but dropped his campaign due to several allegations of women saying he fondled them on their chest. But these allegations were false, HC was slappin’ ass. It is still unclear why the women spoke of him investing his time in boobs, but his personally email was proven as shown: ButtGhazi38@gmail.com.
Andrew Jackson received a $25 rebate gift card when he bought the Louisiana Purchase.
When the United States was in negotiation with France of the Louisiana Purchase, it was truly a terrifying time to be a politician. Deals so dirty were being made under the table, that you would think the tables at Dirty Dave’s tables and stools and stool samples were clean. Finally it was made clear that France would give Andrew Jackson himself a $25 rebate Visa gift Card. Andrew Jackson finally negotiated that he wouldn’t have to pay the bullshit $3 activation fee, and the Territory had been bought. Rumors say Jackson purchased a Brazzers subscription, but sources today have not yet been proven.
Thomas Edison invented the Wet Dream
Tommy E, creator of 60W light bulbs and the Tesla electronic car. We think of Edison being some lighting wielding titan that reigns fury and vengeance upon the output we plug our Samsung Galaxy s6 into, the next is now.
Samsung Galaxy s6 and sx6 Edge, it’s not a phone, it’s a galaxy.
In Reality Edison spent much of his time in dream sequence, working away at how he can talk to girls, so he can study his tactics and moves that could then be transferred into the real world. Edison ended up falling in love with a woman named Beta_392_XX92J, which is translated to Diane. Edison and Diane spent many years together until the finally got married and when the time for children came Edison delivered. But Edison didn’t deliver in his dream, he woke up and saw what he had really done. He was horrified, when he dreamed Beta_392_XX92J could not be found, Edison continued his sexual fantasies, but continued waking up in a mess he himself created. He then sold his idea the United States Government who implemented Edison’s “Dream Cream” theory to schools curriculum which implants the idea into puberty-involved teens. But due to government and Edison issues, they ended up changing Edison’s theory to “Wet Dream” , which provoked him to put lightening in tubes and shit like that.
Ore-Ida specifically hires a man to insert JUST one french fry of many from a bag of frozen french fries into his Stoma
Yeah, if you have ever ate a french fry from Ore-Ida, you put someone’s Stoma juices in your mouth. Ore-Ida knows exactly what they are doing, they say it’s what gives the french fry it’s true flavor. But How? It’s just one french fry. Yes, but the strong flavor of the Stoma can secrete into almost every french fry in the bag. Why a Stoma? Stomas are a rich source for calcium and iron, eating a cup of Ore-Ida french fries every day have been shown to increase energry, lifespan, Sexdrive, and even helps to prevent cankles.
No one was wearing sunscreen when Pearl Harbor happened
Pearl harbor was an awful thing, but what people don’t realize is that the German Nazis leaked false propaganda into the Hawaiian island saying how being an American wearing Sunscreen isn’t cool. Slogans like “Nice bottle of Sunscreen, is that where you hide you tampons cadet?” or “Sunscreen= Ebola” or “I scream, you scream, we all scream that sunscreen supports Jared from Subway”. This made the sailors and the Navy think sunscreen was lame as hell and they decided to pour the remaining sunscreen into the ocean, infuriating the Japanese….. And so on and so forth
Movies like Pearl harbor actually showed actors using sunscreen in the movie, which is completely wrong and another way Hollywood brainwashes people.
Thanks to Monroe Ramsey for the Ore-Ida picture
and of course Samsung Galaxy s6 and the s6 Edge, don’t just use your phone to talk, use it to explore and surf the Samsung store
1. Owned a pair of giraffe skin gloves
2. Waxed his thigh hairs, hair was donated to orphans
3. Made wooden spoons with his cousin “Dale Digorno” local pizza owner, no relation to the famous frozen pizza fortune.
4. averaged 23.4 points in his high school basketball career
6. Had a sick-nasty lasagna recipe
7. collected japanese katanas
8. Force-fed his children the meat of opposing politcian’s dogs
9. Watched his father bleed to death while his dad watched him beat his Galaga high score. Initials put into the sysytem for the high score: A S S
10. Was not a fan of the confederate flag, because the design wasn’t to his standards or criteria due to his intro to design class 1102 at the local community college.
Don’t fly the confederate flag, kids! Robert wouldn’t want this.
For those of you wondering why I haven’t posted in a while, that’s easy. Vow of Silence. That’s right, Steve jobs, Nelson Mandela, Abe Lincoln, Robin Williams, and I all went to Tibet for some sweet R&R and spiritual meditation with the monks. One month in, I couldn’t take it anymore, and I just had to ask the question on my mind: “What is everyone’s favorite Jane Lynch head shot?”, of course Steve just stared at me and secreted angry bird juice from his mouth. For disrespecting the monks I was banished outside the temple. Hungry, alone, and equipped with my scimitar, I walked to the nearest village like 3 blocks down and made my humble abode there. About 5 months went by and I was arrested for manipulating middle age women to purchase illegal blends of shampoo for me. But now that I’m back in the states I thought I would get back on track with my writing that we all hate and despise!
From Drinking Nattys To Becoming A Daddy
Like most people with the XY chromosome they can be pointed out as males. Science right? Wrong. Okay, so people are born as babies, which is true, Science 1 for 2 right now, I’d take those odds when it comes to asking girls out! which right now is 0 for 0, I’m really shy. So let’s face it, you joined a fraternity or became the overload douche you were made to become. Basically you peaked and now face the facts of having to grow up. So what do you do? Get a job? buy a jet ski, get a girlfriend, she was lame so you dump her, start dating her friend( her friend is wayy cooler, did you cheat on her? probably, lol, props), take her on hella dates, give her crazy amounts of smooches, finally ask her to marry your sorry-ass, sell your jet ski, get a job promotion, make a pros-cons list of why you should buy a jet ski again, cancel the marriage. Rinse and repeat until your lady friend will allow you to get a jet skit. OKAY! You found a girl who will let you have a jet ski, wife her up. BOOM you’re doing great making 80k a year, but you love drinking that urine flavored beer and talking to your old college pals about how Jeremy’s mom still got a donk, BUT SHE DOES BRO (INSERT IMAGE INTO YOUR MIND OF MJ MAKING A SWEET DELICIOUS DUNK). Today, I bring before you a 5 step program that can show you how to become a real man. Enjoy it.
1. Remove your fraternity tattoo/ quit your hip hop band
So many guys get their frat tattoo on their body, So I’m here to show you how certain tattoos can turn into new and cooler tattoos that everyone can love. What do you want to see, some kid that used to prey on girls 5 years younger than them? Or the man that makes them pancakes every Saturday.
Here is a chart on how to turn your frat tatoo into something new and cool
Wow! from being a pike, you become someone who likes the outdoors, surfing, and space! Nice! Oh you were an SAE? easy, you love fish so you got a sweet magical fish tattoo! Lamda chi? easy, you lost your arm in a motorcycle accident
Oh also stop your rapping career
2. No more theft
listen theft isn’t cool, I know paying $15 for a Billy Idol CD is ridiculous, you don’t see me bringing my CD converter into Wal-mart and uploading it onto my computer, just pay the $15 and tell your wife to lose some weight, we all know the world is angry at you and you have to take it out on other people. Also, to those dads who think they’re getting away with walking into a store with flip flops and walking our with sneakers, I know who you are. Stop asking for water cup and filling it up with ginger ale, it’s not a life hack, you’re an asshole, and you drive a leased Lexus. You’re the worst of all people.
3. Inspire your child
You don’t need to over-impress your kid, your kid is going to love him as long as you show him your love, don’t be the dad from ELF. Get in shape, buy a bow-flex, bow-flexing is the shit. I bow flex 2 hours a day and I have crazy chest striations, from all skin tightening injections I’m getting? Yeah, but I don’t tell anyone about that. interact with your child and always quote Sigmund Freud, Hemingway, or any dude from the 1800’s who was an alcoholic depressed ass-hat, People will be like “Wow, you really know how to interact and inspire your child, maybe come over when my husband isn’t home and we can watch Desperate House Wives”, but you’ll be like ” Nah I know all about you anti-Jet ski speech, have fun in the desolate pit of hell, you succubus she wolf”.
4. Buy your kid off
I see tons of young adults who are so happy in life and don’t realize what kind of monster their parents might be, but men make more than women, so it’s your dad who is raking in the dough, hence making this article about becoming a daddy. People love things, and things cost money, no kid is going to be asking questions when you’re firing hundreds out of your hands like an armed combatant with heavy artillery. Most people who I see having money spoon fed into their mouths are happy campers, because, why not? #Hillary2016
What if I told you all of this could be avoided? Kids, wasting your money on their pointless needs, while you can aim the cannon of cash-seesh right into your own face. Instead of watching your child play on his overpriced travel baseball team, take you and your babe of a wife on a topless jet skit ride, hot right? Hell yeah! Without children, you can drink Nattys still! You’ll have no one to take care of while being under the influence, but yourself! And I bet your wife will be right by your side! No one wants to see Tim Tebow play in the NFL and no one wants to see your children’s shitty art. The choice is yours, grow up, have kids or live life and die on your jet ski.
So you just got a girlfriend, which I’m assuming was through my SCOOP system, and she wants you to meet her sailboat enthusiasts of parents. Well luckily for you, I have had over thirty girlfriends and nearly sixty new friends. I’m saying that I am still friends with my ex’s parents, damn right. Actually last week I was with Mr. and Mrs. Hemmington helping them pick out a new oak dresser for their recently added library. Having a girlfriend is cool and all, but a friend in their mid 50’s- early 60’s is like cloning brad Pitt and installing a small device in his brain membrane to high five you whenever you are in need of a high five. Do you get what I am saying? How cool would it be to brag to all of your douchey friends in your spin class about how brad Pitt loves high fiving you, and then brad Pitt actually coming through with his end of the deal(DONT GET BRAD WET OR FEED HIM AFTER MIDNIGHT, HE IS A GREMLIN). Now I don’t date girls, because I want to become their friend, but that’s the Seinfeld lifestyle, AKA dating a ton of women and I just remolded my apartment after Jerry’s. That being said, I have compiled a list of facts and magical steps to take in an orderly fashion to let your girlfriend’s parents allow you to drive their new Tesla Mr. June got with his retirement money.
Bring a small gift, I’m talking about candles, create your own salad maker, and even an exotic fish. Bringing a gift will show the parents you are going to be interested in their mindless daughter for the long run, which they will appreciate oh so much!
Find out where the parents live and investigate what they do with your unsuccessful friend DJ Ramstamp. After you and the Stamp gather enough data, head back to your local Starbucks and unload your data all over their free wi-fi. I’m talking about pumping out Mega and mega-megabytes of information on your Google.dox. Gather this info inside your new Google glass you got from Patrick Gimsky, because he is a tool who buys his friends off. The Google glass will allow you to see what similarities you create on your .dox to impress the old hags you will soon become friends with to use their boat for your sweet Japanese themed boat party
Shave your soul patch and fauxhawk, or if you are wearing an old beret, spice it up with buttons or a new PGA tour themed fedora. Find a highly desired instagram male model you follow due to your self-consciousness in your lack of style and create a whole new wardrobe that can compare to the one you can’t afford.
Bribery, when you meet the father sneak a jackson from your hand to his when you mutually shake his deadbeat hand. He will know what is up, he was once a kooky young male like yourself. After the exchange be prepared to check out his sweet guitar collection and listen to him jam it out to “HBO best of soundtrack series” Dvd
Find a women who just recently got out of a coma who is at least like a 6/10( this can be hard, because Hot babes are never in comas). Once you find the girl, wait next to her with flowers until she wakes up and she will realize you were her past lover. Hire actors from reasonable internet sites and have them crash at your place until you can take your new girlfriend out of the hospital. Once she is home she will remember that she does in fact have parents and she will accept the ones in front of her. Once she is there propose to her and move to Seattle where you two can start a new life, with her having no idea!