Archive | April 2012

How To Be A Kardashian!

Hey! what’s going on? Not much I hope! ūüėČ So today’s post is How To Be A Kardashian, if you missed the title. Being a Kardashian is many Americans dreams! Sadly I know! but awesome, yes! I would kill to be Kourtney! For those who don’t know the Kardashian’s real father ,Robert Kardashian, who got OJ Simpson proved not guilty. Lame right? since OJ obviously¬†committed¬†murder. ¬†But I’m sure the girls don’t like their real father! so their mom Kris, who is married to Bruce Jenner, he is cool since he won medals and what not for out country, AMERICA.¬†Okay so let’s get to it!!

I present!

How To Be A Kardashian!

  1. GET THEM CURVES!! it’s all about them curves gurl!!¬†
  2. Always get caught doing stuff in public! Such a Kim thing….
  3. get into a relationship with someone who plays sports, or who is into hip-hop
  4. Have beauty products that not only make you look better, but ones that smell nice! 
  5. Get your own TV show on E that exploits your whole family!!! 
  6. Be really good friends with Seacrest!!! He will get you places in life! trust me! 
  7. Always overload your face with tons of makeup! hire like 12 young Chinese males to always take care of it.
  8. Botox! to put makeup on your face, you need to have a nice sexy face! so Load it up with that BOTOX! Kris and Bruce are doing it right!! 
  9. Blow tons of money on things you don’t really need!¬†Rings, boats, Weddings, etc
  10. Refer to my other post “How To Get Rich!” which says marry a rich guy. DO THAT!!¬†
  11. Have close relationships with People magazines! They always seem to be on the covers
  12. Start rumors about yourself
  13. Make uni-sex fragrance!  

So there you have it! just stick yo butt out and get them boi’s to come a hollr’n!!

Congratulations to Keeping Up with the Kardashians who have been signed for another 3 years!

And be sure to watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians May,20,2012 !!! There will be tons of excitement!!

Also remember if you want to be a friend and RT this, It’s all yours! and thanks again for helping and supporting!!

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Let’s Make America Healthy Again!

 

 

I hate how America is the number 1 place for fat people! 

Solution:

Okay, so we terminate Texas, Florida, and¬†Louisiana from the USA and sell them to China, why wouldn’t china want them? and them China becomes number one with worlds heaviest people.

Feels good right?! 

just a thought

ūüôā

and here’s a Haiku for all you ladies

You catch my eyes glimpse

I’m caught in your charming¬†eyes

You have bewitched me 

 

How To Stay Clean!

 

 

Hi everyone! Today I’m going to make a post were I (Steven) talk about the multiple ways that you can stay clean! Staying clean is not just good¬†hygiene. No, it’s having a clean surrounding. Meaning the clothes you wear, your room, and even having a clean car.¬†

 

  1. Brush your teeth! No one wants Beetle juice to live in their mouth
  2. Comb/brush your hair! We all want nice and sexy hair! 
  3. Wear your socks all around the house! Bacteria is just looking to cling to your feet! 
  4. After you jammin Bass Sesh, be sure to clean the strings and make sure the cord is unplugged. 
  5. After you use the restroom, doesn’t matter what you are doing in there, wash your hands. I don’t care if you are walking in there to call up your buddy Jorge or let the stink out. You need to wash your hands.
  6. Avoid spider nests! They can plant eggs on you and when they hatch you will have thousands of spiders running up and down you. You don’t want that! Just ask Kevin!!!¬†
  7. Don’t do Meth! you will have a cleaner face!¬†
  8. Use the happiness of my blog to give your face a smile, a smile makes a person look clean! remember that! 
  9. Don’t put trash in your car! take it inside and throw it away!¬†
  10. After playing in the mud and doing Zoomba class, take a shower! 

So doing all this will make you a cleaner and just a better overall person. Seriously, don’t just sit around. Take a shower. And again thanks for viewing my blog!! Tell the whole world and share it please! Most people don’t share it. But when you share it and I see you in the hallway at school I get a smile on my face and I think like “hey, that person shared my blog!”. But then I realized I said that aloud.¬†

How To Get Your Point across.

 

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Hey I hoped we all had a good Earth Day! Now we can get back to throwing away cans and plastic! Just kidding that kills the¬†environment! And a bad¬†environment is an angry Al Gore, an angry Al Gore is a no more internet for a week. So let’s continue to recycle.

Alright I can sometimes tell when people are really struggling to join in on conversation, you can always see them gasp open their mouth like a river of words are going to spill out and speak or something. But, that’s not working for you, you see you have you alert the ones around you so you can jump in and lead the conversation, because let’s face it, you are more important than most people. ¬†

When Waiting For Your Turn To Speak

  1. Let people know you want to talk by raising your hand! “Hey I think Charlie wants to be called on!”.¬†
  2. Give them a stare that get’s into their mind and has them think. “wait I should let this guy talk, I obviously have nothing good to say anyways, it’s like his stare means he has some real good news he has to share”.
  3. Just¬†interrupt¬†them. What are they talking about anyways? Lego’s?¬†
  4. Sometimes when someone is talking you can flash some ham in their face, they will get distracted and eat the ham, letting you have your time to speak
  5. Open up my bog on your smart phone and put it in the middle of your stupid little group therapy talk session. Everyone will look at it since it’s super interesting, amazing, and not Sex and the City.¬†

 

When You Have Room To Start Conversation

  1. Put your arm around the person who you would like to speak to and gently talk to them and tell them what’s on your mind
  2. Shout very loudly and have people look at you! From this method all the attention is going to be on you. You may speak now! 
  3. Start off by saying hello, then make sure you don’t ask a lot of questions since you are more¬†interesting¬†than everyone else, therefor having more and better things to say.¬†
  4. Step on their foot “accidently” so they will be looking at you. This is another good attention grabber, you then apologize and start your conversation.¬†
  5. NEVER talk about politics
  6. You can always Tweet and make Facebook posts about what you’re thinking, usually someone will respond and be like “Shut up” or “Go outside, weirdo” and even “Fake!”
  7. Protesting is good too! Go somewhere and put what you want people to know on a picket fence and go at it! 
  8. The way you dress reflects who you are. “Ey mane Like my Gucci Shirt make me like b all like cool and ppl like always no I b sw4ggin”

Here you go!! I hope we all can learn to be better public speakers from this!! 

 

HEY! Remember to RT this and even post it on Facebook being like “hey read this guys blog!” it will get you somewhere in life!” If not it’s fine I understand people are busy.¬†

 

P.S: Sharing my blog gets you into cooler night clubs and discos. cooler night clubs and disco’s mean hotter ladies and men. so everyone. Make up your mind, hmmmm??¬†

Questions and concerns!!

 

So this is just a segment I do every month. I take your questions that were asked and I reply back to them with my great advice!

Q; Can I put carrots in the freezer?- Anonymous

Hello! Yeah! you can put anything you want in the freezer! I highly suggest using the freezer! why waste food from 2 years ago? freeze that ish right up!

Q: I’m a mother of a very¬†christian¬†family and a week ago I caught my son masturbating. Since then I have noticed that he does this¬†at least¬†four to five times a day. How do I release the evil from him so that he can stop committing adultery and study the bible? –¬†Anonymous and concerning mother

Woah! Well first off you need to perform an exorcism immediately! and you need to stop buying energy drink! he is doing it so may times a day because he has the energy to do it! So start buying cold cut turkey sandwiches and cut his showering time to only 5 minutes a day. After this he should be right back on track! 

Hey thanks guys for the great questions!! I can’t wait to do this next month!!¬†

Haiku’s And Such

These are Haiku’s I made, no joke. Don’t steal them.¬†¬©. Okay that’s a copyright symbol. If you copy, I sue. You understand me?¬†

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HAIKU’S¬†

Early sunshine Glows

I feel rays ad-mist my skin

I am eating Moes

 

 

My dog barks constant

the shock collar works wonders

It killed him sadly

 

 

Coffee taste dope ,doe!!! 

Caffeine has me acting cray

I am black and pround

 

 

polygamist swag

All these ladies spitting game

Marriage really sucks…

 

 

Steven Kootz has flow

Check my sneakers, classic fit

too bad I’m crying

 

 

One time I was jumped

I fought the robber proudly

I have no money

 

 

My grandpa walks slow

His wheelchair is important 

Please, don’t push him down

 

 

I smell the Lotus

my eyes burn and tears rush out

oops, that’s an onion

 

 

I’m sitting in health class

Learning about ovaries, yikes! 

fatherhood is near…

 

 

I don’t play trumpet

I am not Louis Armstrong

Because I am white

 

 

Sippin on my drank

man yo gurl b lookin fine

oh no, That’s a man!!¬†

 

 

Oh wow! You’re¬†engaged?¬†

her ring looks so fab my man!! 

You went to Jared’s!!¬†

 

 

I think your blouse shines

my feelings for you are true

False, I’m a robot¬†

 

 

This one time I skiied

I thrashed some Gnarly snow ramps

frostbite was worth it

 

 

Have you seen cars 2? 

I love Owen Wilson’s voice!¬†

Luke Wilson is lame

 

 

Well, there you go! I made all these Haiku’s! I hope you enjoy them!¬†

 

On another note. Thank you to anyone who views my blog, and a special thank you to the ones who keep up with it! 

How To Get Your Grades Up!

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So some of you may be struggling in some of your classes and not really trying. I’m here to help! Hi my name is Steven, and I believe that if you read my guide on how to get your grades up, you will not only see improvement ,you will also see your parents have more¬†interest¬†in you. Sometimes school can be very lame and you just want to rip-stick or sniff markers. School is important, you should try your very best and do all your homework while¬†maintaining¬†a great GPA

  1. Like I said, do all your homework!
  2. Pair up with the kids who¬†couldn’t¬†afford to get sent to¬†Wheeler. They are smart!
  3. Don’t make conversation in class.
  4. Sit in the front and shut your mouth.
  5. Read my blog! I got like tons of educational stuff on here!
  6. Cheat off your neighbor in class
  7. Read tons of books
  8. Tube feed yourself, so you can spend more time studying
  9. Stop listening to Wiz Kaleefa and Macdonald Miller light.¬†Mozart¬†made his music for a reason…
  10. Sometimes teachers lectures can be boring and make you tired. So take like tons of caffeine pills to stay awake!
  11. Wake up everyday knowing that you live and breathe success.
  12. You need to get at least 8 hours of sleep, I suggest going to bed at 9.
  13. Use mechanical pencils, it’s 2012. wooden pencils might give you splinters and then you hurt your hand so then you have to go to finger therapy.
  14. This guy I know, Carter Portwood, is like a really smart guy and you should get tips from him
  15. Operation 73-Bjork¬†flanderburg: Brain reconstruction, like a 60% of dying. but if you want to get smart and cheat the system with brain power, I highly suggest this, like 100%, my uncle did it, but he died so I personally¬†don’t¬†know if it works. but this guy Stephen Hawkins did it. Now look at him.

Okay nerds, I hoped this helped! well you should be nerds afterwards! And just something else. When I post this on Twitter saying read it, I mean you read it. don’t just look and be like oh that lame sauce Douche bag Steven made a new blog post and is letting us know on Twitter, what a twerp. No, don’t do that, I have feelings. What you need to do is RT(and none of the¬†Favoriting¬†bull crap) the post that has the Blog URL, so then tons of people look at my blog and people think you have good taste. It’s a win win situation. I¬†don’t¬†want to sound like some underage boy asking for RT’s but I just want everyone to see my blog. I could use some more blog views. Also if you RT this, I will give you a hug, no joke. when I lock eyes with you in the hall I will approach you and give you a hug (with your consent¬†of-course). So think about it!

Thanks!