Archive | September 2012

Family Talk

I look out the window, seeing my uncle walking up the slick driveway heading towards the door like some kind of UPS man with an urgent package that needs to be signed for ASAP. I let the doorbell ring, I start my journey going to the door. When the door opened my uncle screened his face and and said, “Ah, Steven, I have a story for you”. I accepted the quest of listening to the story. Soon Uncle Charlie spoke, he spoke like anyone would speak if they were telling a story, you know, coughing a little wiggling the eyebrows, all that good stuff. And before I knew it I basically transitioned into his story. NOT LITERALLY!(THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE).

Charlie, a man with broad shoulders, woke up in sweat, probably because he left he furnace on. He got a towel and swept all the sweat off his face and stared into the mirror. Soon the the facial expression changed, something weird happened to his lips, they began to move in a motion he had never felt before. Charlie had just accomplished a “smile”. With humor and a great amount of joy he sprinted to get his shirt and pants, putting them on in a sweet tone like some kind of American Eagle model, of course. The car engine became a dragon, making loud noises and snarling with a hemmy like no other. He finally turned his radio from AM to FM radio for the first time ever. The first song that came on was “I know you want me” by: Pitt-bull. quite upset he changed the channel and heard some song singing about living life and types of plastic utility cups that happened to be red(YOU KNOW YOU CAN BUY PUBLIX BRAND CUPS FOR LIKE $3 FOR 50 WHEN RED SOLO CUPS ARE $5 FOR 50!!!!). From all this excitement Charlie said he would go and get a sandwich from Panera. While eating the Cuban he ordered he thought “I should tell my nephew Steven I’m happy for once!)

I stared at uncle Charlie, like in a confusing look. I was uncomfortable almost, I was nervous, Charlie is never like this. I soon looked at Charlies eyes seeing they were super red and it came to my memory thinking “Oh no..I forgot Charlie is a frequent heroin user”. Charlie then punched me in the face ran in my moms room and stole her purse spitting on my face on the way out

“Charlie get back here!!!” I said

“someone’s got to build an empire!”, Charlie said.

With me getting up from the fetal position I was in, my dad comes in the room, seeing I let charlie in and allowing him to spit on me and stealing my moms fortune, GROUNDS ME!!!

In the lunch room Steven’s friend(DOESN’T LIKE STEVEN) Lucas said ” dude, get away from our table with your made up stories, you are creeping us out man..”

“I’m sorry”: in the softest and saddest tone I have ever spoke in



I’m up early, I have a soccer game to catch. 

I’m up early, dad make biscuits.

I’m up early, I heard a loud truck drive by.

I’m up early, I found myself in a panic

I’m up early, the Advil PM didn’t work.

I’m up early, I haven’t even gone to sleep yet.

I’m up early, Never mind it’s not even 6 in the afternoon yet.

I’m up early, I’m always up early. Why? Because I, I am a morning person. I will and always will be one. It’s a curse, a curse that causes me to think deep. deep into my state of sleep. sleep is what I need, I find myself waking up at 5 in the morning. I find myself taking naps at 9 in the morning, I have just cheated the system, I took a nap. I’M NOT ALOUD TO DO THAT.

I’m up early, still thinking about how I took a nap yesterday

I’m up early, It’s raining. 

The love of my life!

Her hair, locks of dirty brown but just with a little touch of blonde streaks, it begins streaming through the wonderful feeling of 71 degree air conditioning. I looked at her, My eyes inched into the formation of her eyes, making very uncomfortable eye contact, it was awkward yet beautiful! She looked away of course, but I kept staring, she stole my heart making me belated, yes. Class had ended and she quickly got up and sprinted like that Jamaican Runner guy Usaine Bolt( weird name right?). I paced with great speed through the halls to catch up but she saw me and zoomed away in the to dark crevice of the women’s bathroom. I hope I wasn’t being weird, I just hoped I wasn’t! Why won’t she talk to me? Is it because I’m unpopular? Is it because I’m not on an Old Spice commercial? The next day came by and I got to class early and saw a spot next to her that was open. The extravagant woman opened her mouth speaking with a very hostile tone “Listen, Gordon, You are my cousin, you need to stop giving me creepy looks and writing me love letters, that’s incest, and really messed up”. She was right, I felt like a pig. As the night came over me I realized that I need to lower my standards. And so I did, from all this I have met my wife Sheila! She is hard to look at but hey! So the important lesson here today: If your cousin isn’t in to you, just lower your standards a lot!!!

Story by:


Letter to my Son



Hello George, since that’s what you will be named! Today I am writing this note for you to read when times are important and your questions mean so much! So basically you are living life right now in either Seattle or Toronto, if not those cities just anywhere away from the cesspool South, unless we are living there, then hey, it’s probably not bad! Our house is probably very big and I have hopefully made it big selling tooth or producing commercials for Rite-Aid. If not, I hope that we are in Maine! living in Bar Harbor selling lobster and clam chowder!(the secret ingredient is nacho cheese). Now George, what matters most in life is getting the ladies, here is the 3 steps you need to know!

  1. Swagger, wear whatever the cool kids are wearing
  2. Just be a complete tool, jerk, idiot, or communist wanna-be in front of them!(They love it! I witnessed it a lot as a child, myself)
  3. When you get invited to parties, you bring the Natty ice and just outdrink everyone! Your bladder will explode, but hey? What’s more important, a good figure or ladies?

If you fail this you will probably going to be upset and lonely, thus making you adopt a kid like I did. Oh yeah, I was making this to tell you that you’re adopted! Well I just about goofed this one up, son! Or should I say George, I guess? yeah, this is getting to a point of awkwardness. Any how I am probably still single and every now and then I would love to enjoy a nice Cuban flat bread!

Best of Luck Son!



Mike Likes Tim.

The day starts off like any day doesn’t it? Yes, for the young lad, Michael, his day began like any other boy, cereal, with 2 glasses of milk, and his flinstone vitamins, how could he forget? Mike as what his parents called him grew to be an exceptional yet lovely child. In his house he grew up with his brother Tim. Tim was tall and basically the hero to Mike’s destiny. Tim had it all in Mike’s eyes. He had the looks, swagger, and even body odor Mike craved. In his attempt to copy the like structures of Tim, Mike realized Tim was much weaker than him. Mike was very strong and very smart, he had biceps like the great mountains of Cairo, if Cairo has mountains, Im not to sure, lol. One day Tim realizes maybe he just lost his swagger since Mike would be on his own doing his thing, so he began to have the want to get attention, He wanted it all about him, it had to be all about him, he missed the days. As this resistance began to increase Mike realized he felt bad for turning against Tim. On Thanksgiving Mike made a big turkey for Tim and gave him a big hug, but he didn’t realize that Tim was a murderer, so instead of giving thanks, Tim gave Mike a stab the the heart with his knife he got from a Wal-mart for $14. Life pretty much sucked for Mike after that, because he died. Tim went to jail but found love in his cell mate, Jaunes. God  bless them and their 3 year old child.