Archive | October 2012

What’s Hot and What’s Not: With Your Host, Steven

Hey are you tired of having teachers at school laugh in your face because you aren’t up to date on the things that are cool? Yeah I bet you are tired of that! I know I am…or at least, was. I’ve grown into, something greater, something….cooler. 

I GIVE YOU!!! 

A LIST OF THE COOL THINGS THAT WILL MAKE YOU COOl!!! 

Blender Bottles!

I see a ton of people at school with these! THEY ARE SOOOO IN!! Even though most people just walk around shaking them to make noise and be all like:

 “ehh girl look, I got a shaker bottle, it had muscle milk in it earlier but now it’s empty because I just got done doing squats.” SO GET ONE!

 

Zoosk

Now Zoosk is what I can get into!! Zoosk gives you all the features to finding love, friendship and even an easy way to get murdered. I give Zoosk 13/17 Eco-friendly sugar cookies. 

 

 

 

Tank tops

Now Tank tops are a total NOT. Tank tops have been extinct since ewww!!! That’s right! don’t do tank tops! Whenever a tank top is being shown a harmless child is exploited to the raw and pure unnatural healthiness of types of shirts.

 

 

 

Silly Bands

Back in the early 1800’s men would choke out their wives with rubber bands shaped like animals to publicly humiliate them. THIS IS HOW THEY WERE MADE. So in like 2007 or 08 some guy was like “ehh Mark let’s bring back some medieval torture devices and make bank” Mark said no, so the man went into the business by himself made tons of money and OD’d on crack cocaine. Mark came into play and got them back on track. Oh and these are a total NO WAY JOSE! Please no silly bands, thanks! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HEY so there is 2 not’s and 2 Hot’s!!! COME CHECK BACK NEXT WEEK!!!!

 

Thanks guys!!! 

 

 

 

 

Gary’s New Job at LA FItness

 

 

“Gary, Gary, GARY”

“huh, yeah Mr. Cleveland?”

“someone dropped a load in the showers again, you need to go clean it up, and we are out of gloves, so use some paper towels.”

“I have to clean that..”

“thanks kids.” Mr Cleveland interrupting

Gary walks into the showers and starts to pick up the mess

“man I hate my job, stupid mom saying how I need a job” Gary quietly talks to himself

“huh? you say something?” a man coming out of a covered shower.

“No, I was just ranting about my job”

“ah I see, sorry about that surprise over there, you can thank Luis on that one!” “you new here?”

“yeah I am, do you work here? and who is Luis?”

“yeah I’ts my day off I just came to rep some curls, and Luis! Our manager man! He always messes with the new guys! Like when I started working here, he made me deliver someones baby in the Sana.”

“Luis as in Luis Cleveland?”

“yeah, great guy, he did sell my girlfriend into a gang of Vietnamese wristband makers, though.”

Mr. Cleveland slowly watches them on the secret camera, he becomes… Nervous Gary might rebel.

“I’m going to give him piece of my mind”

Gary starts walking out of the locker room and into the gym past the nursey room, passing the Soup kitchen and making his way into Mr. Cleveland’s office.”

“HEY MAN?! WHAT THE HELL?” Gary is like super angry

“Hey, Gary, you’re fired!”

“what? I was coming here to..”

interrupted again Mr. Cleveland says “yep, get out of my face and never return to LA Fitness again, you are TRASH.”

Gary gets on his moped and speeds off. Returning home he is met with his mother

“Gary, why are you so home this early?”

“they made me clean human fesses, mom”

“YOU THINK I CARE? DID YOU GET FIRED?”

“yeah mom, I’m sor..”

“FOR GOD SAKES GARY!! I mean that manager made an employee deliver you in a SANA!”

“woah no way that was me?”

“Forget it Gary, just go to your dad’s house…”

“Mom, but no!!! Dad makes me watch his homemade debate videos over Antique roadshow!!”

the mother slowly pulls out her belt

Gary shows up at his dad’s house

“Hey, Gary. What are you doing here?”

with his dad halfway out the door a woman peers over his shoulder

“Dad, who’s that?”

“uhh don’t worry about it, and come back later, I’m busy”

The door slammed and Gary heard the girl giggle.

Gary walks to the tennis courts and lays on the benches and thinks what he did wrong.

Meeting girls at the club

 

 

“UMH UMH UMH UMH UMH UMH UMH” The music pounding violently as Josh stares across the room spying out a girl with sweat dripping down her neck.

“Daniel you dog, you.” Pete interrupts in into Josh’s mid session eye Passion session.

“took you long enough to get here”

“my bad man, I had to, uhhh I had to pick up some clothes for Jennifer” 

“still with Jennifer, I see?”

“Josh we are married, you were the best man.”

“hold my drink,boss”. Josh walks over the girl with the sexy yet maybe not sanitized like a normal human being sweat dripping beauty. 

“hey girl, I saw you on sale at amazon…Mmmm not one bad review. 4.8/5 stars girl.”

“4.8/5?”

“the only complaint, you are just to darn….Sexy, eh?”

“ahhhh that’s the sweetest thing any guy has ever said to me”

“you cool with me treating you like complete garbage and not replying to your calls and maybe one day in the future leaving you in poverty and loneliness?” 

“YEAH! want to get out of here?”

“girl you read my mind,mmm You a gypsy?” 

“I might be…” the girl smiles in a way, just a weird way

“eh girl, I knew it, the sweat and the mind reading, you are a gypsy after all.” 

The girl is just absolutely embarrassed in front of her friends,picks up her drink and splashes it all over Josh’s face

“I’M JOSH ROMNEY!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!!”

Paul Ryan quickly bikes in and reps out 46 crunches, then pumping out 19 push-ups, still a good number after being tired from 46 crunches!

“Josh, this bozo bothering you?”

“yeah, she threw Jameson on the Rocks at me” 

“I’ll teach you to mess with him”

The battle begins Paul Ryan and Josh Romney hold hands and chant 

“America Unite, Guns unite, pro life unite,”

the two soon form into some kind of spectral light…..from the light comes….Ronald Reagan. 

The girl stares at Reagan who stands 6”8 with glowing fists of fire.

“this outta teach you to mess with america you pagan, liberal, Gypsy, Nazi”

“I just came here to get drinks with my girl Julia!!” 

Reagan throws a fist at the girl crushing her skull with her falling on the ground. 

the bartender freaking out “Hey Romney/Ryan GET OUT OF HERE!!”

The two form back into their selves

“gotta go Josh, my wife and I are doing some P90X warmups” 

“See ya!”

“Hey, Josh! You and the running vice president just killed that girl!” Bartender still angry

“Don’t worry, I got cleanup, Clinton get in here”

“hey thanks josh I knew you were cool” Bill drags the girl outside the back

“I’m calling the cops”

**PAID FOR BY OBAMA”S DAUGHTER NATASHA AND HER FRIEND KATIE**