Archive | March 2013

Fun things to do on Sunday (keeping the Sabbath holy)

Hello readers,homo sapiens, and Neanderthals welcome to EYL (egg yoke learnings) where you will find humor and sass without the uncomfortable staring eyes of Martha Stewart. In this segment I’m bringing the pilgrims and Indians together for one final dinner, it’s called “Fun things to do on Sunday (keeping the Sabbath holy)”, I’m very creative. So let’s cut off the butchers arm and deep fry this sucker shall we?

  1. Strangle your neighbors pet goldfish
  2. Put lassos around children and use force to capture them
  3. Eat a gyro
  4. Make your own beef jerky
  5. Play hours on end of Jenga with a cardboard cut-out of Ryan Seacrest( please do not romance with the cut-out)
  6. Buy a trident
  7. Massage my shoulders?
  8. Drink tainted holy water
  9. Read my blog
  10. Ask your friend Paul if he/she is constipated, if they says yes spend your evening cuddling with him/her
  11. Spit at Senior citizens
  12. Make an inappropriate rap song how you are going to change the “rap game”
  13. Pole vault over tall objects
  14. Call those nice girls who are on TV after midnight
  15. Clip out pictures of Rhianna and put them all over your wall
  16. Buy some of Rhianna’s hair off Amazon/eBay
  17. throw eggs at an abortion clinic/ support abortion clinics, I’m not biased so do which ever your political feelings aim towards
  18. Hi Rachel
  19. Purchase some Altec Lansing speakers and sell them for profit to someone who isn’t that smart with speakers who wants to buy new speakers

So I hope all this came in handy and for your Sunday funday, And remember stay safe but if someone is trying to bust open your knee-cap you have the right to slap them in the face. Live from my tiny crawlspace of a bedroom, I’m Stevey J and remember to keep clean and wash out your ear lobes thrice a week.


The Power of Friendship

“let’s say Tom cruise and Beyonce made a baby, would it look more black or white?” Donald started to stroke back his hair as his sausage fingers poked the calculator.

“I have no clue man, Why is this even a question?” I started to pour a glass of Tang into my Star wars ep. V collection cup.

Donald’s face lite up like a white girl at a Brittany spears concert “Yo YOYOYOYOYOYOYOYOYO” Donald is literally screaming “YO Kevin I got the results, in fact after the calculations their child would weirdly look Cuban, amazing how technology works now’a’days”. Donald ran out of my room and into the hallway where he left the house and got onto his Yamaha moped.

“Hey Kevin, who the hell was that? And why is there Danimals yogurt all over my TI-83?” My mom angrily grabbed the calculator and started to yell more, it made me feel very sad. I felt so sadden I took it upon myself to cry while squeezing a big scoop of strawberry ice cream in my fist.

Dad came home and walked in through the kitchen not seeing me but only my mother licking the back of her ear gently.

“oh well, Howdy Kevin, uh um I think that Dave guy down the street wants to talk to you! Yeah now go see him before he leaves, me and your mother have to make sweet sweet……

“Horse radish sauce” my mother jumped in very fast, she could hardly catch her breathe for some reason.

I started walking down the street with only one thing on my mind “why does Dave want to talk to me? Does he think I have some kind of encrypted tomb of enchanting?”

Butterflies gathered around my stomach, not as a metaphor but actual butterflies, probably from all the honey suckles I rub around my belly button, I saw on Dr. Oz it’s pretty flippin healthy for you to do.

As I slid along the road Dave lives on I got a sneak peak of him smoking stuff out of a flower vase with that reggae singer Bob Marley on it. “Hey Dave, you wanted to see me?”

Dave put this fancy vase down and pulled his pants up ” Oh hey Kevin, I actually didn’t have to tell you anything, but now that your hear can you help me out?”

Dave was a nice guy always seeming to care about other people, like he always seems to have our entire grade over to have slumber parties, I can never go though because my dad says I have values, which is true my mom said I’m worth a million dollars, which made me feel nice, but at the same time afraid of rich people like Donald trump.

“what do you need?” Dave came over and put a bar of soap in my hand

“I need you to wash this old man for me” Dave pointed to Mr. Salwinsky who was wearing some swim trunks. Making eye contact Mr. Salwinsky winked at me and started to comb his hair.

I took the bar of soap and began to wash Mr. Salwinsky, “Just like my ex wife Veronica!” which is weird because I didn’t know Mr. S was married.

“well that’s enough young boy, I must get going, FRIENDS is on” Mr. S walked never more proudly in his swim trunks across the street.

Dave walked over to me and said “that was really sweet, and kinda dope how you washed that old guy, hey can I hang out with you and Donald some time? I had no clue you guys were chill.”

I agreed. Dave and I walked to my house and saw my parents happily talking and folding leather suits to be put into a box that I’m not aloud to go in. Later we called Donald who came back over with some more news

“Guys!! GUYs!! so Tcruise and beyonce not only have a Cuban baby, but also Moroccan” Dave seemed very chill with Donald’s weirdness and gave him a hug with the three of us leaving the house to go sit on the porch and eat chicken wraps.