Archive | February 2014

The S.C.O.O.P System

Have you ever failed to talk to girls? Do you find it hard to get a date? Well don’t worry Citizens, I created a system that will have you S.C.O.O.P-ing girls right up!!! 




S- Stare: Staring at a girl never fails, they say if you stare at a girl long enough a vortex will form around her finger creating a wedding band. I’ve tried this process and it has a 0% success rate from seven different women. But in terms of staring, making eye contact will force a woman to talk to you. She may think it’s creepy and try to run away, but chances are you are faster than her and are able to tackle her. (only works best for blue eyes). 


C- Call: Once you successfully completed the eye contact phrase (doesn’t work so well when you tackle them) you will have the girl’s number/ whoever’s number she gave you.  Once you got that bad boy wait a good six hours, if necessary you can go for four hours, she would probably prefer about a day, but the early bird gets in line first at Golden Corral, am I right? 


O- Over analyze: After she has received your phone call and accepted your offer to go on a date, Purchase a Bulletin board (try to spend around $20, anything under is just terrible quality and probably made in Korea).  Once acquired spend about thirteen hours- four days bringing up things she likes, enjoys, and interests she may have(you can probably get this info from her Facebook or by threatening a lawsuit against her boss).  Connect all these things together with string and posted pictures, all this data should construct a good way to keep up conversation, and make for a great date at the one and only place you should take your date…


O-Outback Steakhouse: That’s right, you take your honey to Outback, you know the Hostess, Leila, she is going to hook you up with the dual booth in the back with the nicest array of boomerangs placed above the wall. What’s that? your waiter Dan is asking what you want as an appetizer? Well you tell Dan he better have that Bloomin Onion out in five minutes, because you got a stomach, and your stomach is hungry, and you know what you stomach wants? your stomach wants freshly fried pieces of giant slices of Onion inside itself. Once you and your date finish the bloomin Onion, tell Dan to bring out Wood-fire grilled pork chops for yourself, and a plate of golden Mahi for your lady. Once ordered, Dan will give the signal wink and you will begin conversation of the subjects you pinned to the bulletin board. If your date continues to ask why you ordered for her, because she wanted the Sirloin Diablo, you just keep bringing up her ex boyfriend Patrick and how he got his third DUI. After you two enjoy your delicious meals, Dan will have already brought out the Chocolate Thunder From Down Under. Now after this your date is going to be stuffed, I mean like she is going to burst something in her stomach, like aliens coming out of that perfect ab workout stomach of hers, but you will just sit there and wait for the final orders. 


P- Propose: That’s right, you pull out a 14K white gold diamond ring, and you look at her dead right into the eyes. And you Say “Babe, listen here, I know I haven’t known you for more than a whole week, but dammit if you aren’t the most beautiful girl I’ve seen. Will you do me the honor?”, and like that, level ball thrown, Mewtwo has been caught.  Now you will may get responses like: “Steven, I’m already married with two children” or “Aren’t you that guy from those bail bond commercials?”, but those occasions are rare.  I would reccomend on waiting for atleast 7 months until the proposal though, but who knows, sometimes when you see a girl you just gotta stare at her and tackle her asking for a date to Outback steakhouse. Love is beautiful. 


Congratulations! You have been educated on the S.C.O.O.P system, I hope it only brings you endless and romantic love. 


I believe that I , Steven Kootz, has what it takes to make it in the NFL as a quarterback

You heard it ladies, I have what it takes. I know what plays my future team(probably the Vikings lol) will need to run to score all them TDs.

1. Athleticism- I am super athletic, I’ve played over 4 sports, 5 total growing up. Swimming, baseball, basketball, hockey, and of course football.  I have such a variety of athleticism, ESPN has called me the white Deion Sanders, as well as referring to me by my name Steven Kootz, because I’m soon to be the greatest.


2. Agility- I race Steads every Thursday, you think some pity pass rusher can tangle me up in his big strong arms? probably not.


3. Brains- I’m smart, I know who to throw it to. I know where the defense is at all time. I know everything, even where the treasure buried at Lambo field.


4. equipped with weapons- that’s right, I have a knife hidden in my thigh pads, I’ll stab you if I feel like it’s appropriate.


5. I look beautiful in a football jersey- stack me up in some pads and pull that jersey over, you like? Yes, yes you do like. And you know what, I will accept that endorsement offer from Curtis Lindenstein’s hair gel for $8 million

6. I’ll be rich- I’ll probably set up a 401k plan just for Ferraris.

Jed Leceister Audi Q3 White blue

7. Beautiful face- I’m gorgeous

8. training- I train for 9 days of the week, 9 DAYS? Yeah 9 days, I defy physics and reality and break into other dimensions and spend my time there training.


9. I got a guy who can sell me some Tom Brady blood- Blood transfusions so I’ll always be in tip top shape

tom brady

10. American citizen- That’s right, I Steven Kootz was born in the United States.

100 Years of Scouting