Steven’s Wilderness Survival Kit 2.0


Hey pedestrians, I hope everyone is enjoying the new spring season.  Many great things can come out of the spring time; like girl’s in booty shorts, girl’s wearing sexier clothing, girl’s not wearing sweats, and the Minecraft larpers down on 19th street.  But, the best activity is hiking, backpacking, and/or camping.  These are fun ways to get outside and enjoy the fresh air, and especially when it comes to playing human dart board (R.I.P Dwyane).  Camping out requires many normal and everyday objects in order to survive in the woods, but many don’t know about the items you need when you get lost.  That is why I am making a guide on what to get and bring just in case you get lost.  Also I want to warn all of you that doing anything outdoors is very dangerous, and if you already have a nice Call of Duty set up going on, just stick with that.


1. Shurikens-

Danger!! DANGER! the only defense mechanism to prevent any injury to yourself or anyone around you.  Have you ever seen someone with a shuriken? I personally haven’t, but if I did, I’m like 100% sure I’d squeeze a brick out.  Shurikens are lightweight and look super badass, they can penetrate 9 inches of skin, tear through steel, and get any girl to date you.


2. A copy of Sex and the city: season 2 loaded into a portable DVD player with extra batteries-

Sex and the City is hilarious! Sometimes you’re going to have some down time to watch TV or movies, don’t waste your time with any other type of movie or tv show, animals will flee up to miles upon hearing Sarah Jessica Parker’s voice, and dead on impact if they come into contact with the screen.


3. graphic Bowser T-shirt-

Bowser is the man, and this was my favorite shirt growing up.  Wearing this T-shirt will prevent you from getting laid, but it will give nerds within a 10 mile radius of where you are, so they can question you or not if they should buy the shirt.  Tell them yes, and they should escort you out to their mom’s volvo.


4. Spicy brown mustard-

Personally I just love spicy brown mustard, I recommend it.  It contains lots of nutrients and the standard 12 oz bottle can let you survive for up to 3 weeks.


5. KY jelly-

Sometimes you might need to slip though rocks and small cracks, getting drenched in KY will have you slipping through any sized area.  The best part of KY is you don’t even have to buy it, usually you can find it in your parent’s bed room. Glad to have smart and cautious parents when it comes to the outdoors!


6. A birthday card signed by one of your aunts/uncles-

Let’s face it, you’re going to feel terrible and super sad outside for days to weeks to months to years to you could be the next Natalie Hollaway, but bring one of your favorite birthday cards signed by your favorite aunt or uncle.  The cheerful message will brighten up your face and give you a reason to live.


7. Box filled with your dandruff from 8th grade-

Sometimes you might run into small nomadic civilizations.  The currency in many of these villages are dandruff, 8th grade is usually the best year to collect dandruff for quality and quantity.  Showing this special dandruff filled box, you will probably have enough dandruff to purchase whatever you want, but stick with survival necessities, and not a night with the cheifton’s daughter, they are trained to be heartbreakers.


8. Leg brace for emergency polio outbreaks-

You never know where polio can be, and who has it.  For all we know FDR could roaming the forest, haunting it with his presence and cursing the trespassers with his magic. So bring a brace, and if you feel the presence strap that baby on, and start praising your love for taxes.  Don’t bring up his relationship to Teddy, he can see past your polio leg brace lie.  And if you do end up getting polio, well it turns out you got a leg brace, you’re basically cheating the system.



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