Archive | April 2014

5 Reasons Why you Should Dump Your Current Boyfriend for Me



So you are dating some dude named Chett Anderson, he just pledged for a fraternity that only 53 other boys care about, he also is thinking about getting that tribal tat on his 9 inch bicep his sister designed for him, and let’s not forget that he didn’t even complete the main story line in skyrim. Yeah Chett sounds like the worst, because he is the worst and so is any other guy you ladies are dating.  So you want to dump the douche and jump up on the stallion?  Well then this guide is for you.  You can be a married woman as well, I’m taking all applications.



1. My killer biceps and triceps 

  • Let’s face it, your boyfriend probably doesn’t hit the gym, he spends 45 minutes on the elliptical and then proceeds to barely rep 135 twice on bench.  I don’t even know how many times I can bench 135, because I don’t bench 135, I slap on 3 plates on go ape shit. And when I’m not benching 315 like a power house, I’m probably in the core room correcting hot girl’s terrible form.

2. I’ll massage your feet

  • That’s right, your current boyfriend Jake probably doesn’t even know your feet exist.  I’ll personally buy the massage creme and get lathering.  “Oh also what kind of relaxing music do you listen to? Oh the soundtrack to Tarzan? Hell yeah I love Tarzan(Bullshit, I don’t).” The only happy ending she will be receiving is a wink from my eyes, an extra key I copied from Home Depot for my heart, and maybe like season 5 of The Office if she asks to borrow it

3. Driving Right

  • So Mark is leaving in 16 minutes to pick you up in his PT Cruiser, at least we know who wears the tampons in the relationship.  I don’t drive some nancy-mobile, I drive the world’s sexiest and most lavish car, the Ford Fusion.  I whip my 2010 Fusion day and night hunting for the ladies.  I see them, they see me. I look at them, they look at me, then my biceps, then my eyes, and back at my general face area, they wink, I don’t wink, I drive away, because she was basic, she was also a brunette, I’m actually just trying to focus on the blondes for a week or so.  I will personally serenade you in my Ford Fusion just by humming the intro to Family Guy, it’s that easy.

4. Delicious meals

  • What? Do you enjoy Brice making you turd nuggets, lice, and fried sunscreen.  Well you shouldn’t, Brice sounds like a real snake, he probably drinks soy milk as well. girl for breakfast I’ll make you pancakes, and then I’ll cater a nice panini into your mouth for lunch. Dinner is another story though, we will have an assigned schedule for dinner for Monday-Friday prepared freshly by my friend, Stellino Aldo Diotauti. on Saturday we will enjoy a nice french meal out on the night of town, Stellino may appear, but I may not see it, he likes to follow me sometimes, it’s weird. Sunday we will start the day off feeding each other grapes one by one, for six hours straight until our reservation at El Zappos la mano comes time.

5. Cashhhh

  • I’ll literally give you my credit card!! have a blast! SPOILER ALERT, it’s your ex boyfriend Tim’s, and he is pissed!


So consider all this and go ahead an text your ex goodbye!


Historic figures who might have been Xbox fans

  1. JOHN F. KENNEDY John F. Kennedy

John’s hair and competitive relationship with his brothers have only proved he would have loved to play Xbox.  “Disregard women get Gamerscore” would be JFKs motto.  Sometimes when he was being nagged on by Jacqueline, he would explain he was meeting up with some of his gamer friends and have a Call of Duty tournament at the gamer’s den.  In reality he would have had an extra Xbox set up at Marylyn Monroe’s.

  1. Ludwig Beethovenludiwg

LudwigB69 played Xbox for one reason, guitar hero.  Connecting via Xbox live he would annihilate any fourteen year old virgin that opposed him on Raining Blood- expert mode.  Ludwig was apparently banned from Xbox live for a month for exposing his genitals.

  1. Malcom XMalcolm_X_003.jpg

More like user: Malcome_at_me_bro_Xbox.  Malcom X loved to spread his word, influencing thousands to listen to him.  Malcom X for hours of the day would be in the same Call of Duty Domination lobby ranting on various subjects and degrading the lesser.  Calling user Kevinketchup409 a “douchebag” and stating he had relationships with his mother kevinketchup409 grew more and more furious at Malcom’s word choice, until he himself left the lobby and started to do the same to user MouseKing98.


  1. Anne Frankxbox celbs

Gamer chick alert! With a gamer tag of Pierogi pounder, Anne Frank attracted the attention of many.  Questions like “how many pierogis can you fit in your mouth?” and “Hey pierogi pounder, can you say something sexy?” gained Anne quite the Xbox reputation.  Even when she would play indie team based games like Castle Crashers, she always found herself being brought down because of sex.

  1. 2.Abraham Lincolnabe

Emancipate the noobs, Honest Abe is coming through.  Abe’s gamertag was noticed as FugDaPolice and any lobby he entered surely had upset noobs leaving.  Abe started his Call of Duty career with a K/D of 3.8 and currently works with a 4.1, which ladies if there are ladies reading this, is really good.

Teen gets Caught Hosting House Party

chil party


Wilmington, Delaware-Throwing one of the maddest parties since his older brother Scott’s rager, local teen Jake Young, 19, was caught by his neighbors for disrupting the peace within the neighborhood and throwing several mini kegs off his roof into the Robinson’s yard, Multiple sources have agreed.  “Jake was obviously intoxicated, disregarded his parents trust, and allowed many girls to remove articles of their clothing to partake in a beer filled water balloon fight,” said neighbor Ken Lippert, who was outside walking his first place shiatsu show-dog.  No cops showed to the party, but it was heard that Lidia Robinson did call Jake’s parents and notified them on his disruptive behaviors, Lidia was also upset to see her son Dempsey, 19, was not invited to the party, due to his collection of Magic the gathering card set and the fact he owns a hat rack that contains several designer hats, fedoras, and scarves.  Peter Robinson came inside the house to make everyone leave and got another teenager, Dick Pleats, 18, who was a DD for the party so Samantha Crowser would let him cop a feel later when he dropped her off.  Dick who was willing to talk stated “nah dude, shit was chill, Jake is the man, it was pretty tight, I saw like six girls make out. I got Cheryl baxter’s numbers, she isn’t that hot, but will totally put out, at least that is what Jake said haha.  But nah man, Jake had some bros over and we decided to notch it up some, we had a sweet game of beer blast going on, Marshal won the pong tournament, and I’m sure Henry got some action in Mr. and Mrs. Young’s room as well,” Jake was heard to have walked away taking a drag of his cigarette.  It was told the Youngs were to arrive the next day, leaving their wine tasting vacation a day earlier than planned.  We happened to have been fortunate enough to get a text from Jake’s friend Caleb, who read the text to one of our writers, it read “yo waddup Caleb, I probably cant chill tonight, my parents are pretty pissed about the party, but since I am doing pretty well right now at Mark Salzberg College of Science and History, my parents said I will only be grounded for a week. Yo, did you see Jessica’s boobs? they were so gross haha.” It was reported that Mr. Young was chill about the party and ended up letting Jake hang out with Caleb and the boys later that night.

Good Music: Walden

Hi, I’m Steven

Today I’ll be talking about music, and a band I personally know.

Walden is a band consisted of four members, a great number in terms of a band. Rock Band allows for four players to jam, and I can never say I’ve had a bad rock band experience.  Fortunately, Walden gets to play real life rock band, and for Andrew who is the real winner for always being the drummer.


Walden creates a great taste of Indie rock with a slight seasoning of smooooth pop. Their music can be enjoyed by every age, unless you’re like 100 years old, because chances are your hearing is terrible.  Any atmosphere is an atmosphere to listen to Walden; like sitting by the pool, getting dumped, or maybe just relaxing in your room after your hockey game.  Everyone should listen to Walden. If you’re an uncle, show your nephew/niece Walden, it might change their life for the better.

Walden uses instruments, tools/objects that make noise and when put together right creates harmony.  Each member of the band uses a certain tool and does in fact create harmony. Watch out ladies, every girl who listens in a one mile radius will become pregnant(besides family members, because that’s weird).

Band Members:

Eric Hangartner:  keyboard/guitareric

  • Nice hair
  • Allergic to peanut butter
  • Probably is a fan of Walden
  • My biological father
  • First prize at roller derby palooza 2009

Richard Becker:  Vocals/guitar richard

  • One of my dearest friends
  • His mother is a mean cook
  • Great beard
  • Adventurous and loves the outdoors
  • Once created a song track in his bathroom

Jamie de Lange: Bassjamie

  • Another good friend of mine
  • Originated from South Africa (he has the accent, ladies)
  • Always dressed to the nine in groovy attire
  • Very pop culturally aware
  • Looks like someone from Flight of the Concords  

Andrew MendelDrumsandrew

  • Nasty badminton hook shot
  • Refurbishes ENO hammocks
  • Walden’s practice took place in his basement
  • Owns a .9mm
  • Broke a solid gold drum stick in a drum battle against Satan


Walden will be in Athens for most of April and you should check them out

da band

Date and times:

Sunday April 6th

Hendershots at 7pm, performs at 9pm


Saturday April 12th

Spring game day tailgate 11:30am-12:45pm


Friday April 25th

Theta Chi frat party(Moocoo) starts at 6pm until 7:30


Sunday April 27th 

May day festival. Melting point. Outside stage 4:30pm- 5pm


check out their Facebook page: