5 Reasons Why you Should Dump Your Current Boyfriend for Me
So you are dating some dude named Chett Anderson, he just pledged for a fraternity that only 53 other boys care about, he also is thinking about getting that tribal tat on his 9 inch bicep his sister designed for him, and let’s not forget that he didn’t even complete the main story line in skyrim. Yeah Chett sounds like the worst, because he is the worst and so is any other guy you ladies are dating. So you want to dump the douche and jump up on the stallion? Well then this guide is for you. You can be a married woman as well, I’m taking all applications.
1. My killer biceps and triceps
- Let’s face it, your boyfriend probably doesn’t hit the gym, he spends 45 minutes on the elliptical and then proceeds to barely rep 135 twice on bench. I don’t even know how many times I can bench 135, because I don’t bench 135, I slap on 3 plates on go ape shit. And when I’m not benching 315 like a power house, I’m probably in the core room correcting hot girl’s terrible form.
2. I’ll massage your feet
- That’s right, your current boyfriend Jake probably doesn’t even know your feet exist. I’ll personally buy the massage creme and get lathering. “Oh also what kind of relaxing music do you listen to? Oh the soundtrack to Tarzan? Hell yeah I love Tarzan(Bullshit, I don’t).” The only happy ending she will be receiving is a wink from my eyes, an extra key I copied from Home Depot for my heart, and maybe like season 5 of The Office if she asks to borrow it
3. Driving Right
- So Mark is leaving in 16 minutes to pick you up in his PT Cruiser, at least we know who wears the tampons in the relationship. I don’t drive some nancy-mobile, I drive the world’s sexiest and most lavish car, the Ford Fusion. I whip my 2010 Fusion day and night hunting for the ladies. I see them, they see me. I look at them, they look at me, then my biceps, then my eyes, and back at my general face area, they wink, I don’t wink, I drive away, because she was basic, she was also a brunette, I’m actually just trying to focus on the blondes for a week or so. I will personally serenade you in my Ford Fusion just by humming the intro to Family Guy, it’s that easy.
4. Delicious meals
- What? Do you enjoy Brice making you turd nuggets, lice, and fried sunscreen. Well you shouldn’t, Brice sounds like a real snake, he probably drinks soy milk as well. girl for breakfast I’ll make you pancakes, and then I’ll cater a nice panini into your mouth for lunch. Dinner is another story though, we will have an assigned schedule for dinner for Monday-Friday prepared freshly by my friend, Stellino Aldo Diotauti. on Saturday we will enjoy a nice french meal out on the night of town, Stellino may appear, but I may not see it, he likes to follow me sometimes, it’s weird. Sunday we will start the day off feeding each other grapes one by one, for six hours straight until our reservation at El Zappos la mano comes time.
- I’ll literally give you my credit card!! have a blast! SPOILER ALERT, it’s your ex boyfriend Tim’s, and he is pissed!
So consider all this and go ahead an text your ex goodbye!