How to punish your children

Are you and your wildebeest of a wife having trouble punishing your children? Signs point to yes, because you’re here on a blog reading a stranger’s advice, unless you’re one of my friends who know I make these things with a less than mediocre attempt at sarcasm. Which you ended up clicking the link I sent you via Twitter, Facebook, or Buzzfeed, just to say “Yeah I did read your blog, Steven, now please stop rubbing french vanilla yogurt in my ears and untie my step dad David”. Children can be hard, I was there once, a child myself. I once injected crystallized crest toothpaste into my great uncle’s chicken breast when he wasn’t looking. Sure he is blind and has to eat from a tube, but you got to admit, an astonishing prank performed at expertise navigation.  What I’m trying to say is, Children play in dirt, and dirt is categorized with Ebola, do the math, Children = Ebola.

1. Jurisdiction Law

Listen you need to take no chances of your kid becoming the next Ted Bundy or Steven Glansberg, that means early development of behavioral problems need to be ruled by court immediately. Legally your child will be bound by law to listen to your advice and know his/her wrongdoing before even doing it. Don’t worry, you can cross efficiency off your list of parenting, you’re welcome.

2. The Cage  

Buy a dog crate and fill it with pine straw and poison ivy, your child will make mistakes and you will have to stretch out that necessary punishment. One hour-three days in this bad boy should show your kid that life isn’t all about disrespecting their parents, but that sometimes hanging out and agreeing with them works 10 times out of 10.

3. Over-sized shoes 

If your child’s foot is the size of an iPhone 4, making them wear your douchey high top Adidas basketball shoes will show them a new meaning of embarrassment.

4. Put him in charge of the financial burden you have

This dipshit kid is probably putting you and your wife’s total earned salary of $60,000 straight into a hold. So the smart and responsible thing to do is have him pay the bills and take care of any financial business that is needed.  Since he is a child he will have no clue or any idea on how to organize and send anything out on time

5. Leave your wife

Listen, this is the most efficient way of punishment, not only do you get rid of your child, you get to leave the country and start a whole new life. Who knows, you can become a karate instructor in Guam, making peg legs in Tokyo, or even just doing a similar job what you did in the States, but now in Canada.

6. Hire child actors to bully him at school

Children strive off popularity at school, and having someone knowing their weakness, you’re hired actor can easily chop down your child’s positive mindset. Every day your child will be saddened, less and less, having him deprived at home, just laying in bed listening to the Jersey Boy’s soundtrack on reverse for a few repeated hours. “WAIT WHAT?!?!?! My child is going to just be laying in bed inside his melancholy state of mind? That means he won’t be up to shenanigans and his father and I can get back to sensual back rubs”- every mother ever, because that’s a genius Idea.

Honestly just leave him in a New Jersey shopping mall

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