Archive | November 2014

How to impress your girlfriend’s parents

meeting-the-parents

So you just got a girlfriend, which I’m assuming was through my SCOOP system, and she wants you to meet her sailboat enthusiasts of parents.  Well luckily for you, I have had over thirty girlfriends and nearly sixty new friends.  I’m saying that I am still friends with my ex’s parents, damn right.  Actually last week I was with Mr. and Mrs. Hemmington helping them pick out a new oak dresser for their recently added library.  Having a girlfriend is cool and all, but a friend in their mid 50’s- early 60’s is like cloning brad Pitt and installing a small device in his brain membrane to high five you whenever you are in need of a high five.  Do you get what I am saying? How cool would it be to brag to all of your douchey friends in your spin class about how brad Pitt loves high fiving you, and then brad Pitt actually coming through with his end of the deal(DONT GET BRAD WET OR FEED HIM AFTER MIDNIGHT, HE IS A GREMLIN).  Now I don’t date girls, because I want to become their friend, but that’s the Seinfeld lifestyle, AKA dating a ton of women and I just remolded my apartment after Jerry’s.  That being said, I have compiled a list of facts and magical steps to take in an orderly fashion to let your girlfriend’s parents allow you to drive their new Tesla Mr. June got with his retirement money.

Step 1:sharing

Bring a small gift, I’m talking about candles, create your own salad maker, and even an exotic fish.  Bringing a gift will show the parents you are going to be interested in their mindless daughter for the long run, which they will appreciate oh so much!

Step 2:dj coffeee

Find out where the parents live and investigate what they do with your unsuccessful friend DJ Ramstamp.  After you and the Stamp gather enough data, head back to your local Starbucks and unload your data all over their free wi-fi.  I’m talking about pumping out Mega and mega-megabytes of information on your Google.dox.  Gather this info inside your new Google glass you got from Patrick Gimsky, because he is a tool who buys his friends off.  The Google glass will allow you to see what similarities you create on your .dox to impress the old hags you will soon become friends with to use their boat for your sweet Japanese themed boat party

Step 3:insta pic

Shave your soul patch and fauxhawk, or if you are wearing an old beret, spice it up with buttons or a new PGA tour themed fedora.  Find a highly desired instagram male model you follow due to your self-consciousness in your lack of style and create a whole new wardrobe that can compare to the one you can’t afford.

Step 4:jam

Bribery, when you meet the father sneak a jackson from your hand to his when you mutually shake his deadbeat hand.  He will know what is up, he was once a kooky young male like yourself.  After the exchange be prepared to check out his sweet guitar collection and listen to him jam it out to “HBO best of soundtrack series” Dvd

Step 5:coma

Find a women who just recently got out of a coma who is at least like a 6/10( this can be hard, because Hot babes are never in comas).  Once you find the girl, wait next to her with flowers until she wakes up and she will realize you were her past lover.  Hire actors from reasonable internet sites and have them crash at your place until you can take your new girlfriend out of the hospital.  Once she is home she will remember that she does in fact have parents and she will accept the ones in front of her.  Once she is there propose to her and move to Seattle where you two can start a new life, with her having no idea!

Advertisements