For those of you wondering why I haven’t posted in a while, that’s easy. Vow of Silence. That’s right, Steve jobs, Nelson Mandela, Abe Lincoln, Robin Williams, and I all went to Tibet for some sweet R&R and spiritual meditation with the monks. One month in, I couldn’t take it anymore, and I just had to ask the question on my mind: “What is everyone’s favorite Jane Lynch head shot?”, of course Steve just stared at me and secreted angry bird juice from his mouth. For disrespecting the monks I was banished outside the temple. Hungry, alone, and equipped with my scimitar, I walked to the nearest village like 3 blocks down and made my humble abode there. About 5 months went by and I was arrested for manipulating middle age women to purchase illegal blends of shampoo for me. But now that I’m back in the states I thought I would get back on track with my writing that we all hate and despise!
From Drinking Nattys To Becoming A Daddy
Like most people with the XY chromosome they can be pointed out as males. Science right? Wrong. Okay, so people are born as babies, which is true, Science 1 for 2 right now, I’d take those odds when it comes to asking girls out! which right now is 0 for 0, I’m really shy. So let’s face it, you joined a fraternity or became the overload douche you were made to become. Basically you peaked and now face the facts of having to grow up. So what do you do? Get a job? buy a jet ski, get a girlfriend, she was lame so you dump her, start dating her friend( her friend is wayy cooler, did you cheat on her? probably, lol, props), take her on hella dates, give her crazy amounts of smooches, finally ask her to marry your sorry-ass, sell your jet ski, get a job promotion, make a pros-cons list of why you should buy a jet ski again, cancel the marriage. Rinse and repeat until your lady friend will allow you to get a jet skit. OKAY! You found a girl who will let you have a jet ski, wife her up. BOOM you’re doing great making 80k a year, but you love drinking that urine flavored beer and talking to your old college pals about how Jeremy’s mom still got a donk, BUT SHE DOES BRO (INSERT IMAGE INTO YOUR MIND OF MJ MAKING A SWEET DELICIOUS DUNK). Today, I bring before you a 5 step program that can show you how to become a real man. Enjoy it.
1. Remove your fraternity tattoo/ quit your hip hop band
So many guys get their frat tattoo on their body, So I’m here to show you how certain tattoos can turn into new and cooler tattoos that everyone can love. What do you want to see, some kid that used to prey on girls 5 years younger than them? Or the man that makes them pancakes every Saturday.
Here is a chart on how to turn your frat tatoo into something new and cool
Wow! from being a pike, you become someone who likes the outdoors, surfing, and space! Nice! Oh you were an SAE? easy, you love fish so you got a sweet magical fish tattoo! Lamda chi? easy, you lost your arm in a motorcycle accident
Oh also stop your rapping career
2. No more theft
listen theft isn’t cool, I know paying $15 for a Billy Idol CD is ridiculous, you don’t see me bringing my CD converter into Wal-mart and uploading it onto my computer, just pay the $15 and tell your wife to lose some weight, we all know the world is angry at you and you have to take it out on other people. Also, to those dads who think they’re getting away with walking into a store with flip flops and walking our with sneakers, I know who you are. Stop asking for water cup and filling it up with ginger ale, it’s not a life hack, you’re an asshole, and you drive a leased Lexus. You’re the worst of all people.
3. Inspire your child
You don’t need to over-impress your kid, your kid is going to love him as long as you show him your love, don’t be the dad from ELF. Get in shape, buy a bow-flex, bow-flexing is the shit. I bow flex 2 hours a day and I have crazy chest striations, from all skin tightening injections I’m getting? Yeah, but I don’t tell anyone about that. interact with your child and always quote Sigmund Freud, Hemingway, or any dude from the 1800’s who was an alcoholic depressed ass-hat, People will be like “Wow, you really know how to interact and inspire your child, maybe come over when my husband isn’t home and we can watch Desperate House Wives”, but you’ll be like ” Nah I know all about you anti-Jet ski speech, have fun in the desolate pit of hell, you succubus she wolf”.
4. Buy your kid off
I see tons of young adults who are so happy in life and don’t realize what kind of monster their parents might be, but men make more than women, so it’s your dad who is raking in the dough, hence making this article about becoming a daddy. People love things, and things cost money, no kid is going to be asking questions when you’re firing hundreds out of your hands like an armed combatant with heavy artillery. Most people who I see having money spoon fed into their mouths are happy campers, because, why not? #Hillary2016
What if I told you all of this could be avoided? Kids, wasting your money on their pointless needs, while you can aim the cannon of cash-seesh right into your own face. Instead of watching your child play on his overpriced travel baseball team, take you and your babe of a wife on a topless jet skit ride, hot right? Hell yeah! Without children, you can drink Nattys still! You’ll have no one to take care of while being under the influence, but yourself! And I bet your wife will be right by your side! No one wants to see Tim Tebow play in the NFL and no one wants to see your children’s shitty art. The choice is yours, grow up, have kids or live life and die on your jet ski.