Archive | September 2015

John Kerry isn’t coming out, but he does want to share the list of men he thinks are cute

John-Kerry

This weekend I had the pleasure to sit down with our Secretary of State, John Kerry.  Throughout my interview and time talking with Mr. Kerry, the most important thing I would like to bring up is the list of men who he thought were very cute.  He wanted to make sure I continued to know he was straight, because he kept telling me he loves his wife, and John Edward’s mistress even more (gave me some weird winks when he said that, then proceeded to slap me on my shoulder with a nice little grasp at the end, felt very nice to be honest). John also continued to talk about his new line of pull-up bars being released this winter in all Sports Authority’s that really are going to pop out your lats. Thankfully, John gave me his personal list of the men he thought were cute, this list contains men throughout Hollywood and sports. Let’s see what you think about the guys here!

Suraj Sharma

suraj

John said when he saw life of Pi, the next 30 minutes after the movie he was ordering movie posters, detailed fan art, and even thinking about opening a life of Pi themed bar, until he realized tigers in bars are a bad idea. His favorite part of the movie was seeing Suraj without his shirt inside the boat, running around learning to love the tiger, it really showed the braveness Suraj had.

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O. J. Simpson

OJ

If you want to see a grown man with two children talk about another man’s muscles for 2 hours, you should arrange an interview with Mr. Kerry! John would not stop blushing when I kept saying O.J. probably murdered his ex-girlfriend and her boyfriend, but John kept saying he was never proven guilty and that made the man even more beautiful.

Vincent van Gogh

Van gogh

With more than seven different iPhone 6 cases of his work, I was more than convinced John enjoyed Van Gogh’s artwork and enjoyed Van Gogh himself even more.  Showing me the original Van Gogh self portrait, John could go into every little detail telling me about Van Gogh’s life.  Once finished showing me the painting he kissed it and place it back in its case that replenishes the piece of work with Di-methyl Bicarbonate.

iPhone5 - Starry-Night-Over-Rhone-Van-Gogh-500x500

Guy Fieri’s Dad

guy_fieri_ dad

What, why not Guy? We all love Guy! John wouldn’t settle when I said that Guy had all the genes in the family, but when he starting showing me Mr. Fieri’s original home cooking shows from the 1970’s, wow was I surprised! I’ve never seen a man broil so many lamb chops in a slow cooking viking elite oven at once, plus he was wearing the greatest apron ever, it said, “Kiss the cook’s wife, like everyone else”, he had an awful marriage!

John Kerry

john_kerry_cheesesteak

John Kerry said that the most handsome and cutest man of all was himself. He started combing his hair and talking about how he could bicep curl 160lbs when he was 23. John even told me that when he traveled to Syria two years ago he won Mr. Syrian Universe, and he wasn’t even a Syrian national citizen, the dude was just such a good looking babe, everyone wanted to see him win and succeed. John also made me feel his calves, which was mind blowing, because they looked as if he had the calves of a 19 year old Korean rugby player, they were incredible!

After the interview, John gave me a big hug, a box filled with Kerry/Edwards wrist bands, and then gave me a real man’s spank to me on my way. I peeked behind me as my cab left and saw him shed a tear and he shook his fist for victory.

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Five Conspiracy Theories That Are True

As we all know Conspiracy theories like “Zodiac signs” and “Soda is bad for you” are actually lies that politicians like the Bush family implemented years ago.  But I’m not here to hold your hand in a bag of chopped off Man Buns, I’m here to tell you the real truth of crazy shit that is real and not made up government libel.  These Conspiracy theories I will talk about are highly popular and widely talked about around the nation and probably the world. If it wasn’t for people like me, VICE, Thefatjewish on social media sites, or your Uncle who works at the Morgue you probably wouldn’t be able to get this great creative and 100% accurate blog post.

 Herman Cain is actually a butt-guy, not a boob-guy

h cain

As we all know our friend Herman Cain brought in the pain for the 2012 Presidential election but dropped his campaign due to several allegations of women saying he fondled them on their chest. But these allegations were false, HC was slappin’ ass. It is still unclear why the women spoke of him investing his time in boobs, but his personally email was proven as shown: ButtGhazi38@gmail.com.

Andrew Jackson received a $25 rebate gift card when he bought the Louisiana Purchase.

Andrew Jack

When the United States was in negotiation with France of the Louisiana Purchase, it was truly a terrifying time to be a politician. Deals so dirty were being made under the table, that you would think the tables at Dirty Dave’s tables and stools and stool samples were clean. Finally it was made clear that France would give Andrew Jackson himself a $25 rebate Visa gift Card.  Andrew Jackson finally negotiated that he wouldn’t have to pay the bullshit $3 activation fee, and the Territory had been bought. Rumors say Jackson purchased a Brazzers subscription, but sources today have not yet been proven.

Thomas Edison invented the Wet Dream

thomas e

Tommy E, creator of 60W light bulbs and the Tesla electronic car. We think of Edison being some lighting wielding titan that reigns fury and vengeance upon the output we plug our Samsung Galaxy s6 into, the next is now.

Samsung

Samsung Galaxy s6 and sx6 Edge, it’s not a phone, it’s a galaxy.

In Reality Edison spent much of his time in dream sequence, working away at how he can talk to girls, so he can study his tactics and moves that could then be transferred into the real world.  Edison ended up falling in love with a woman named Beta_392_XX92J, which is translated to Diane.  Edison and Diane spent many years together until the finally got married and when the time for children came Edison delivered. But Edison didn’t deliver in his dream, he woke up and saw what he had really done. He was horrified, when he dreamed Beta_392_XX92J could not be found, Edison continued his sexual fantasies, but continued waking up in a mess he himself created.  He then sold his idea the United States Government who implemented Edison’s “Dream Cream” theory to schools curriculum which implants the idea into puberty-involved teens. But due to government and Edison issues, they ended up changing Edison’s theory to “Wet Dream” , which provoked him to put lightening in tubes and shit like that.

Ore-Ida specifically hires a man to insert JUST one french fry of many from a bag of frozen french fries into his Stoma

frieholefrieholehand2

Yeah, if you have ever ate a french fry from Ore-Ida, you put someone’s Stoma juices in your mouth. Ore-Ida knows exactly what they are doing, they say it’s what gives the french fry it’s true flavor. But How? It’s just one french fry. Yes, but the strong flavor of the Stoma can secrete into almost every french fry in the bag.  Why a Stoma? Stomas are a rich source for calcium and iron, eating a cup of Ore-Ida french fries every day have been shown to increase energry, lifespan, Sexdrive, and even helps to prevent cankles.

No one was wearing sunscreen when Pearl Harbor happened 

pearl

Pearl harbor was an awful thing, but what people don’t realize is that the German Nazis leaked false propaganda into the Hawaiian island saying how being an American wearing Sunscreen isn’t cool. Slogans like “Nice bottle of Sunscreen, is that where you hide you tampons cadet?” or “Sunscreen= Ebola” or “I scream, you scream, we all scream that sunscreen supports Jared from Subway”. This made the sailors and the Navy think sunscreen was lame as hell and they decided to pour the remaining sunscreen into the ocean, infuriating the Japanese….. And so on and so forth

Movies like Pearl harbor actually showed actors using sunscreen in the movie, which is completely wrong and another way Hollywood brainwashes people.

Thanks to Monroe Ramsey for the Ore-Ida picture

and of course Samsung Galaxy s6 and the s6 Edge, don’t just use your phone to talk, use it to explore and surf the Samsung store

Sources:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donald_Trump

https://www.amazon.com/gp/video/detail/B005MKZVFC?ie=UTF8&keywords=Shrek%20the%20Third&qid=1442262547&ref_=sr_1_1&s=movies-tv&sr=1-1

http://www.wikihow.com/Tie-a-Tie