John Kerry isn’t coming out, but he does want to share the list of men he thinks are cute


This weekend I had the pleasure to sit down with our Secretary of State, John Kerry.  Throughout my interview and time talking with Mr. Kerry, the most important thing I would like to bring up is the list of men who he thought were very cute.  He wanted to make sure I continued to know he was straight, because he kept telling me he loves his wife, and John Edward’s mistress even more (gave me some weird winks when he said that, then proceeded to slap me on my shoulder with a nice little grasp at the end, felt very nice to be honest). John also continued to talk about his new line of pull-up bars being released this winter in all Sports Authority’s that really are going to pop out your lats. Thankfully, John gave me his personal list of the men he thought were cute, this list contains men throughout Hollywood and sports. Let’s see what you think about the guys here!

Suraj Sharma


John said when he saw life of Pi, the next 30 minutes after the movie he was ordering movie posters, detailed fan art, and even thinking about opening a life of Pi themed bar, until he realized tigers in bars are a bad idea. His favorite part of the movie was seeing Suraj without his shirt inside the boat, running around learning to love the tiger, it really showed the braveness Suraj had.


O. J. Simpson


If you want to see a grown man with two children talk about another man’s muscles for 2 hours, you should arrange an interview with Mr. Kerry! John would not stop blushing when I kept saying O.J. probably murdered his ex-girlfriend and her boyfriend, but John kept saying he was never proven guilty and that made the man even more beautiful.

Vincent van Gogh

Van gogh

With more than seven different iPhone 6 cases of his work, I was more than convinced John enjoyed Van Gogh’s artwork and enjoyed Van Gogh himself even more.  Showing me the original Van Gogh self portrait, John could go into every little detail telling me about Van Gogh’s life.  Once finished showing me the painting he kissed it and place it back in its case that replenishes the piece of work with Di-methyl Bicarbonate.

iPhone5 - Starry-Night-Over-Rhone-Van-Gogh-500x500

Guy Fieri’s Dad

guy_fieri_ dad

What, why not Guy? We all love Guy! John wouldn’t settle when I said that Guy had all the genes in the family, but when he starting showing me Mr. Fieri’s original home cooking shows from the 1970’s, wow was I surprised! I’ve never seen a man broil so many lamb chops in a slow cooking viking elite oven at once, plus he was wearing the greatest apron ever, it said, “Kiss the cook’s wife, like everyone else”, he had an awful marriage!

John Kerry


John Kerry said that the most handsome and cutest man of all was himself. He started combing his hair and talking about how he could bicep curl 160lbs when he was 23. John even told me that when he traveled to Syria two years ago he won Mr. Syrian Universe, and he wasn’t even a Syrian national citizen, the dude was just such a good looking babe, everyone wanted to see him win and succeed. John also made me feel his calves, which was mind blowing, because they looked as if he had the calves of a 19 year old Korean rugby player, they were incredible!

After the interview, John gave me a big hug, a box filled with Kerry/Edwards wrist bands, and then gave me a real man’s spank to me on my way. I peeked behind me as my cab left and saw him shed a tear and he shook his fist for victory.


2 responses to “John Kerry isn’t coming out, but he does want to share the list of men he thinks are cute”

  1. Nick Lommen says :

    Great journalism here, Steve. Many thought provoking, awe inspiring moments in this piece.
    Your loyal reader,

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