Archive | October 2015

Vladimir Putin Says No More House Parties

putin pussyIt has come apparent that the president of Russia, Vladimir Putin, has grown tired of throwing what was thought to be a few, but instead multiple house parties this past month.  Putin spoke briefly on these parties describing them as “a headache”, “shitty booze with shitty people”, and even “too many tracksuits in my piano room”.  The last party that finally ended the streak of Putin’s ragers was held on October 23rd until the 25th which was said to be a big disturbance to the president and his friends. During the party Putin had listed several things being stolen such as: 14lbs of Tavern ham, gold cigarettes, his Rock Band 2 drum set, Obama’s jar of nail clippings, and all of Mr. Putin’s nipple piercings.  At first Putin was fine with the parties, what started out as a casual party with vodka spraying, American flag stomping, and who can lick Taylor Swift’s elbow the most times without her knowing turned into an underground DJ trap festival that was named “Tomorrowground” attracting lowlife Americans and Europeans who spent their entire summer job money on these days that became a living hell for Mr. Putin. Putin had lost hope and had to eventually start tear gassing the crowds so him and Michelle Obama could return to grinding to his extensive My Chemical romance playlists on Grooveshark. The short life of Putin’s parties were mainly blamed on Kendall Jenner who began promoting her new line of acne medicine which drove many celebrities and world leaders to get in on her endorsements, and started to “attract the wrong crowd”- Justin Timberlake. Fortunately, Putin had many Syrian refugees put to work by cleaning his destroyed house and bulldozing the “Tomorrowground” festival goers into lakes and rivers. Putin has expressed his excitement for the results and couldn’t be happier to have his house back and the Syrian refugees shipped back to Syria.nipz