Archive | November 2015

Jeb Bush won’t stop texting Selena Gomez

NATIONAL HARBOR, MD - FEBRUARY 27: Former Florida governor Jeb Bush speaks at the 42nd annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) February 27, 2015 in National Harbor, Maryland. Conservative activists attended the annual political conference to discuss their agenda. (Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images)


It has been reported that actress/singer/song writer Selena Gomez has filed several complaints against Jeb Bush for sending numerous messages that made her feel uncomfortable and unsafe at times.  Selena told her sources “it started to get weird when I got pictures of him and George shirtless holding jack-hammers,” but things had been civil and friendly beforehand.  Selena and Jeb met at an Urban Outfitters, where Selena was shopping for a new scarf that had Steve Buscemi’s face embroidered on it. Jeb, meanwhile, was said to be roller skating around trying to promote his presidential campaign, but was actually trying to get a good peak of what was going on in the dressing room, sources say. Jeb crashed into Selena and had her fall into his lap to break the fall. The two started talking due to each other’s celebrity status and traded phone numbers to collab on some new hybrid political music video with Jeb drinking Florida’s nasty tap water from an antique tea kettle. Instead of going through Selena’s publicist for the music video, Jeb took matters into his own hands to communicate with Selena.  The communication seemed civil sticking to topics such as The Muppets, scar stories, and Vladimir Putin’s new neck tattoo. Selena apparently led Jeb on, which resulted in Jeb sending some raunchy shirtless pictures, and even threatening to curb stomp her exotic parrot.  Selena has filed for a restraining order as well as a police report for her missing Steve Buscemi scarf. Jeb has spoken on the matter saying Selena just wanted to look good for him, and was just a side girl he talked to for a weekend to see if she was down for the crown (what Jeb calls sex). However, no pictures that Selena spoke of have yet surfaced. Until then, Selena wants everyone to go listen to any of her albums and help her get out of financial trouble. In more recent news there is a new civil law suit that has been issued, Steve Buscemi vs. Urban Outfitters. Steve is suing Urban Outfitters for illegally selling his face which he had copyrighted in a court of law that was later approved by all nine Supreme Court judges. Steve is deeply saddened, forcing him to burn his entire closet which was purchased at Urban Outfitters, solely during their 2010 floral campaign. Urban Outfitters solely blames Selena Gomez for this lawsuit, saying Selena’s popular Instagram account was the only reason Buscemi even noticed what could have been their greatest selling collection of scarves yet.