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Xenophon, The Almighty Mayonnaise Champion

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Xenophon of Athens (not UGA Athens where crushing brewskis is the tits, but like the yogurt village back in the ancient days Athens) was a Greek philosopher, historian, cultivator of mayonnaise and tight-ass homies with Socrates. Xenophon was the son of Diodora and Gryllus, local wizards, who taught Xenophon at a young age that bread was meant to be consumed at a dry rate of 8 moisture concentrates/per taste. Most people would have severed their hope to pimp maximization of moisture into bread before it becomes too soluble, but not Xenophon, he wanted a premium amount of pimp per maximization moisture content on his bread. “The world deserves better” a constant thought Xenophon had and perhaps his parents viewpoint of him and his stupid neck beard.

One day at chess appreciation club for grown-ass adults, Xenophon was talking to his boy Socrates about how the complimentary bread was especially lacking in that desirable sweet moisture. Socrates couldn’t agree more with Xenophon, since he too was utterly in love with something so great as bread yet so disappointed. Socrates sent Xenophon out on an expedition to find such moist greatness for humanity. Xenophon prepared for his journey by making sweet love to many animals, men and women, before they all toasted and sacrificed the animals to the gods for a pleasureful substance.

Xenophon’s first week of adventuring led him to a once abandoned mine shaft that was turned into a coffee house with acoustic instruments playing. It was here where Xenophon  disguised himself as an Adonis-typed deity to see why consumers enjoyed coffee. People of the coffee house were very turned on to Xenophon and everyone in the mine shaft had one big orgy that lasted for 38 hours. Unfortunately, Xenophon gained no insight and found that coffee in fact was too soggy to lube up that bread, as well as it was too hot, many of the orgy goers suffered mouth burns and herpes.

Xenophon’s second week of traveling he came across a field of olive trees which were tended by Women of the Nine. Among the trees the Women of the Nine would harvest the olives and turn them into oil with the use of rune stones and ancient magic, which turned Xenophon on.These women would not have sex with Xenophon due to their inanimate marriages with olives, but instead were more then happy to help his cause. Xenophon dipped bread, pork loins, and his genitalia into the Olive oil of the Nine. His findings were tremendous, but the oil wasn’t enough, yet it served as a precursor.

Upon his entering into the Meadows of Stormville, an imp was summoned by the goddess Aphrodite to shine Xenophon’s sandals and sell him highly discounted belt buckles designed by Zeus. Xenophon threw remnants of Olive Oil of the Nine into the imp’s beady eyes, the imp fell to the floor coughing up mixtures of La Croix and ham. Retreating and begging for mercy, the imp placed a scroll upon Xenophon standing tall in his sandals which for damn sure don’t need to be shined. The imp informed Xenophon this scroll was a powerful source to bind a soul in order to make their will their way. Xenophon brushed his hand across the imp’s face and retracted his previous gestures, the two exchanged Lyre notes to play at certain pitch frequencies to know when to hang out and chill, maybe watch some arena fights or knife races.

Through the Stormville meadows Xenophon adventured across the endless green grass, peering to Balthazar mountain as trees climbed over the sky in his peripherals. Emerging from the grasses, a tall wooden sign appeared: “elohssa Inn & Farm” pointing in direction with Mt. Balthazar. Xenophon continued his tread until he reached what was a massive farm opened to chickens, cows, sheeps, and dogs all running around in harmony mating and drinking from the Hyrda river. Xenophon approached the Inn, which had no customers but an Innkeeper who was polishing steins for mead. The innkeeper greeted Xenophon and sat him down for food and beverage, which a happy Xenophon agreed. The Innkeeper let Xenophon know that today’s special was French toast and mead, which Xenophon scolded at due to endless attempts with dry-ass toast. When the plate was shuffled upon Xenophon’s table to eat, a tear came out of his eye and unto the french toast. The Innkeeper relentlessly admitted to Xenophon his bread was the moistiest and perfection of pimp maximization due to his use of eggs being coated in the bread. Xenophon however was interested in only a nice spread, so asked if the Innkeeper may mix the eggs with the oil of the nine to lube up that bread for a healthy intake. Alas, Xenophon shit his pants, he couldn’t believe it, he finally found the cure to dry-ass toast. With the Innkeeper a witness to what just happened, Xenophon unsealed the scroll bequeathed to him and used it on the Innkeeper. Horror admitted from the scroll as shadows of demons surrounded the Innkeeper who saw too much, the demons whispered and chanted in sacred Elven and within seconds the Innkeeper was succumbed to type-2 offset jaundice.

With the Innkeeper out of the picture due to Jaundice, Xenophon set afoot outside the inn to claim his new land. Pouring the remaining vial of Olive Oil of the Nine into the Hydra River, it was soon consumed entirely by it, becoming a river of endless Olive Oil (AKA aisle 7 at Kroger when that Dutch kid spilled the whole damn shelf over and I had to clean the mess up). Xenophon conjured a whistle that allowed the cattle and sheep to line up in formation for execution. One by one Xenophon would slaughter the animal amidst of its fellow animal friends. The remaining dogs, who were granted nice-ass chef hats, would drag the remnants of cow and sheep into the the stove to cook with their little cute puppy dog paws. Meanwhile, Xenophon built forts of protection for the chickens while they lay eggs and/or play Yahtzee.

Once the new settlement was complete Xenophon renamed the settlement Xenophon’s Valley. A few weeks later Xenophon had opened shop and began selling his famous “Xenophon Cream”, and instant hit with everyone wanting Xenophon’s original and pimped out cream. Centuries and centuries passed until some Loser Duke stole Xenophon’s recipe and remained it to what we call Mayonnaise today. Some say when you consume enough mayonnaise you can hear the faint sounds of Xenophon whispering in yo ear, trying to seduce you.

 

 

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Homeless Shelters vs Animal Shelters

Okay so let’s talk about the age long question, homeless shelters and animal shelters, which one is better, more fun and better for the environment? So let’s start by defining what each thing is! Unfortunately, I was contacted by Webster’s dictionary and was told not to use their definitions unless I wanted a law suit. Since I’m already in one between my ex-wife Stacey I said no way Jose, so I’ll be using my own definition.

Animals: Things people want

Homeless People: Things people don’t want

Shelters:  Huts and shit

So Animal shelter: Things people want in huts and shit? Homeless people shelters: Things people don’t want in huts and shit? Well this doesn’t seem right, We will have to investigate further.

Homeless Shelters:

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Homeless shelters are like the girls from high school who wear hats on Thursdays, they’re trashy and smell like musty-ass Dior. People love homeless shelters, they provide food and hats for the homeless people, but people also hate homeless people, so why do they provide shelters? This is like the U.S Military building urban apartments for members of ISIS to go in and chill, play ping pong and watch the Hobbit trilogy. Homeless shelters vary from animal shelters mainly for one reason, they’re people, just like us(LOL). Another reason to differentiate, is that people don’t go to visit homeless shelters and look at and play with the homeless people, mainly because they’re not cute. Homeless shelters can be cool though, because you can go and get soup and large hoodies. Mainly homeless shelters are boring and lame.

Animal Shelters: maxresdefault

Okay! Animal shelters are way more enjoyable than boring old homeless shelters. Inside animal shelters, people can go and play with puppies and kittens that people threw out from their windows. Instead of buying a pure bread, much more superior and enjoyable pet, people can go and spend little to no money rescuing a gross, smelly and probably infested animal. One thing the animal shelter provides is euthanasia, which is a nice way of saying killing an animal, but not like Harambe killing or whacking it in the head with a hammer. No, euthanasia is a simple shot that causes death within an animal, something that homeless shelters have probably looked into, but weren’t able to proceed with because of various laws. Animal shelters aren’t just for killing animals, they’re a sanctuary copied after homeless shelters, stealing their style from the Fall 2006 catalog.

Overall, both shelters go against nature and Herbert Spencer’s “survival of the fittest”, just let the dang people and animals run around and be free!

Jeb Bush won’t stop texting Selena Gomez

NATIONAL HARBOR, MD - FEBRUARY 27: Former Florida governor Jeb Bush speaks at the 42nd annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) February 27, 2015 in National Harbor, Maryland. Conservative activists attended the annual political conference to discuss their agenda. (Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images)

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It has been reported that actress/singer/song writer Selena Gomez has filed several complaints against Jeb Bush for sending numerous messages that made her feel uncomfortable and unsafe at times.  Selena told her sources “it started to get weird when I got pictures of him and George shirtless holding jack-hammers,” but things had been civil and friendly beforehand.  Selena and Jeb met at an Urban Outfitters, where Selena was shopping for a new scarf that had Steve Buscemi’s face embroidered on it. Jeb, meanwhile, was said to be roller skating around trying to promote his presidential campaign, but was actually trying to get a good peak of what was going on in the dressing room, sources say. Jeb crashed into Selena and had her fall into his lap to break the fall. The two started talking due to each other’s celebrity status and traded phone numbers to collab on some new hybrid political music video with Jeb drinking Florida’s nasty tap water from an antique tea kettle. Instead of going through Selena’s publicist for the music video, Jeb took matters into his own hands to communicate with Selena.  The communication seemed civil sticking to topics such as The Muppets, scar stories, and Vladimir Putin’s new neck tattoo. Selena apparently led Jeb on, which resulted in Jeb sending some raunchy shirtless pictures, and even threatening to curb stomp her exotic parrot.  Selena has filed for a restraining order as well as a police report for her missing Steve Buscemi scarf. Jeb has spoken on the matter saying Selena just wanted to look good for him, and was just a side girl he talked to for a weekend to see if she was down for the crown (what Jeb calls sex). However, no pictures that Selena spoke of have yet surfaced. Until then, Selena wants everyone to go listen to any of her albums and help her get out of financial trouble. In more recent news there is a new civil law suit that has been issued, Steve Buscemi vs. Urban Outfitters. Steve is suing Urban Outfitters for illegally selling his face which he had copyrighted in a court of law that was later approved by all nine Supreme Court judges. Steve is deeply saddened, forcing him to burn his entire closet which was purchased at Urban Outfitters, solely during their 2010 floral campaign. Urban Outfitters solely blames Selena Gomez for this lawsuit, saying Selena’s popular Instagram account was the only reason Buscemi even noticed what could have been their greatest selling collection of scarves yet.

Sources:

https://jeb2016.com/shop/clothing/womens-crewneck-sweatshirt/

Vladimir Putin Says No More House Parties

putin pussyIt has come apparent that the president of Russia, Vladimir Putin, has grown tired of throwing what was thought to be a few, but instead multiple house parties this past month.  Putin spoke briefly on these parties describing them as “a headache”, “shitty booze with shitty people”, and even “too many tracksuits in my piano room”.  The last party that finally ended the streak of Putin’s ragers was held on October 23rd until the 25th which was said to be a big disturbance to the president and his friends. During the party Putin had listed several things being stolen such as: 14lbs of Tavern ham, gold cigarettes, his Rock Band 2 drum set, Obama’s jar of nail clippings, and all of Mr. Putin’s nipple piercings.  At first Putin was fine with the parties, what started out as a casual party with vodka spraying, American flag stomping, and who can lick Taylor Swift’s elbow the most times without her knowing turned into an underground DJ trap festival that was named “Tomorrowground” attracting lowlife Americans and Europeans who spent their entire summer job money on these days that became a living hell for Mr. Putin. Putin had lost hope and had to eventually start tear gassing the crowds so him and Michelle Obama could return to grinding to his extensive My Chemical romance playlists on Grooveshark. The short life of Putin’s parties were mainly blamed on Kendall Jenner who began promoting her new line of acne medicine which drove many celebrities and world leaders to get in on her endorsements, and started to “attract the wrong crowd”- Justin Timberlake. Fortunately, Putin had many Syrian refugees put to work by cleaning his destroyed house and bulldozing the “Tomorrowground” festival goers into lakes and rivers. Putin has expressed his excitement for the results and couldn’t be happier to have his house back and the Syrian refugees shipped back to Syria.nipz

Sources:

http://www.guyfieristore.com/collections/books/products/signed-guy-on-fire

John Kerry isn’t coming out, but he does want to share the list of men he thinks are cute

John-Kerry

This weekend I had the pleasure to sit down with our Secretary of State, John Kerry.  Throughout my interview and time talking with Mr. Kerry, the most important thing I would like to bring up is the list of men who he thought were very cute.  He wanted to make sure I continued to know he was straight, because he kept telling me he loves his wife, and John Edward’s mistress even more (gave me some weird winks when he said that, then proceeded to slap me on my shoulder with a nice little grasp at the end, felt very nice to be honest). John also continued to talk about his new line of pull-up bars being released this winter in all Sports Authority’s that really are going to pop out your lats. Thankfully, John gave me his personal list of the men he thought were cute, this list contains men throughout Hollywood and sports. Let’s see what you think about the guys here!

Suraj Sharma

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John said when he saw life of Pi, the next 30 minutes after the movie he was ordering movie posters, detailed fan art, and even thinking about opening a life of Pi themed bar, until he realized tigers in bars are a bad idea. His favorite part of the movie was seeing Suraj without his shirt inside the boat, running around learning to love the tiger, it really showed the braveness Suraj had.

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O. J. Simpson

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If you want to see a grown man with two children talk about another man’s muscles for 2 hours, you should arrange an interview with Mr. Kerry! John would not stop blushing when I kept saying O.J. probably murdered his ex-girlfriend and her boyfriend, but John kept saying he was never proven guilty and that made the man even more beautiful.

Vincent van Gogh

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With more than seven different iPhone 6 cases of his work, I was more than convinced John enjoyed Van Gogh’s artwork and enjoyed Van Gogh himself even more.  Showing me the original Van Gogh self portrait, John could go into every little detail telling me about Van Gogh’s life.  Once finished showing me the painting he kissed it and place it back in its case that replenishes the piece of work with Di-methyl Bicarbonate.

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Guy Fieri’s Dad

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What, why not Guy? We all love Guy! John wouldn’t settle when I said that Guy had all the genes in the family, but when he starting showing me Mr. Fieri’s original home cooking shows from the 1970’s, wow was I surprised! I’ve never seen a man broil so many lamb chops in a slow cooking viking elite oven at once, plus he was wearing the greatest apron ever, it said, “Kiss the cook’s wife, like everyone else”, he had an awful marriage!

John Kerry

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John Kerry said that the most handsome and cutest man of all was himself. He started combing his hair and talking about how he could bicep curl 160lbs when he was 23. John even told me that when he traveled to Syria two years ago he won Mr. Syrian Universe, and he wasn’t even a Syrian national citizen, the dude was just such a good looking babe, everyone wanted to see him win and succeed. John also made me feel his calves, which was mind blowing, because they looked as if he had the calves of a 19 year old Korean rugby player, they were incredible!

After the interview, John gave me a big hug, a box filled with Kerry/Edwards wrist bands, and then gave me a real man’s spank to me on my way. I peeked behind me as my cab left and saw him shed a tear and he shook his fist for victory.

Five Conspiracy Theories That Are True

As we all know Conspiracy theories like “Zodiac signs” and “Soda is bad for you” are actually lies that politicians like the Bush family implemented years ago.  But I’m not here to hold your hand in a bag of chopped off Man Buns, I’m here to tell you the real truth of crazy shit that is real and not made up government libel.  These Conspiracy theories I will talk about are highly popular and widely talked about around the nation and probably the world. If it wasn’t for people like me, VICE, Thefatjewish on social media sites, or your Uncle who works at the Morgue you probably wouldn’t be able to get this great creative and 100% accurate blog post.

 Herman Cain is actually a butt-guy, not a boob-guy

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As we all know our friend Herman Cain brought in the pain for the 2012 Presidential election but dropped his campaign due to several allegations of women saying he fondled them on their chest. But these allegations were false, HC was slappin’ ass. It is still unclear why the women spoke of him investing his time in boobs, but his personally email was proven as shown: ButtGhazi38@gmail.com.

Andrew Jackson received a $25 rebate gift card when he bought the Louisiana Purchase.

Andrew Jack

When the United States was in negotiation with France of the Louisiana Purchase, it was truly a terrifying time to be a politician. Deals so dirty were being made under the table, that you would think the tables at Dirty Dave’s tables and stools and stool samples were clean. Finally it was made clear that France would give Andrew Jackson himself a $25 rebate Visa gift Card.  Andrew Jackson finally negotiated that he wouldn’t have to pay the bullshit $3 activation fee, and the Territory had been bought. Rumors say Jackson purchased a Brazzers subscription, but sources today have not yet been proven.

Thomas Edison invented the Wet Dream

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Tommy E, creator of 60W light bulbs and the Tesla electronic car. We think of Edison being some lighting wielding titan that reigns fury and vengeance upon the output we plug our Samsung Galaxy s6 into, the next is now.

Samsung

Samsung Galaxy s6 and sx6 Edge, it’s not a phone, it’s a galaxy.

In Reality Edison spent much of his time in dream sequence, working away at how he can talk to girls, so he can study his tactics and moves that could then be transferred into the real world.  Edison ended up falling in love with a woman named Beta_392_XX92J, which is translated to Diane.  Edison and Diane spent many years together until the finally got married and when the time for children came Edison delivered. But Edison didn’t deliver in his dream, he woke up and saw what he had really done. He was horrified, when he dreamed Beta_392_XX92J could not be found, Edison continued his sexual fantasies, but continued waking up in a mess he himself created.  He then sold his idea the United States Government who implemented Edison’s “Dream Cream” theory to schools curriculum which implants the idea into puberty-involved teens. But due to government and Edison issues, they ended up changing Edison’s theory to “Wet Dream” , which provoked him to put lightening in tubes and shit like that.

Ore-Ida specifically hires a man to insert JUST one french fry of many from a bag of frozen french fries into his Stoma

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Yeah, if you have ever ate a french fry from Ore-Ida, you put someone’s Stoma juices in your mouth. Ore-Ida knows exactly what they are doing, they say it’s what gives the french fry it’s true flavor. But How? It’s just one french fry. Yes, but the strong flavor of the Stoma can secrete into almost every french fry in the bag.  Why a Stoma? Stomas are a rich source for calcium and iron, eating a cup of Ore-Ida french fries every day have been shown to increase energry, lifespan, Sexdrive, and even helps to prevent cankles.

No one was wearing sunscreen when Pearl Harbor happened 

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Pearl harbor was an awful thing, but what people don’t realize is that the German Nazis leaked false propaganda into the Hawaiian island saying how being an American wearing Sunscreen isn’t cool. Slogans like “Nice bottle of Sunscreen, is that where you hide you tampons cadet?” or “Sunscreen= Ebola” or “I scream, you scream, we all scream that sunscreen supports Jared from Subway”. This made the sailors and the Navy think sunscreen was lame as hell and they decided to pour the remaining sunscreen into the ocean, infuriating the Japanese….. And so on and so forth

Movies like Pearl harbor actually showed actors using sunscreen in the movie, which is completely wrong and another way Hollywood brainwashes people.

Thanks to Monroe Ramsey for the Ore-Ida picture

and of course Samsung Galaxy s6 and the s6 Edge, don’t just use your phone to talk, use it to explore and surf the Samsung store

Sources:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donald_Trump

https://www.amazon.com/gp/video/detail/B005MKZVFC?ie=UTF8&keywords=Shrek%20the%20Third&qid=1442262547&ref_=sr_1_1&s=movies-tv&sr=1-1

http://www.wikihow.com/Tie-a-Tie

Ten Fun Facts about Robert E Lee

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1. Owned a pair of giraffe skin gloves

2. Waxed his thigh hairs, hair was donated to orphans

3. Made wooden spoons with his cousin “Dale Digorno” local pizza owner, no relation to the famous frozen pizza fortune.

4. averaged 23.4 points in his high school basketball career

5. recycled

6. Had a sick-nasty lasagna recipe

7. collected japanese katanas

8. Force-fed his children the meat of opposing politcian’s dogs

9. Watched his father bleed to death while his dad watched him beat his Galaga high score. Initials put into the sysytem for the high score: A S S

10. Was not a fan of the confederate flag, because the design wasn’t to his standards or criteria due to his intro to design class 1102 at the local community college.

Don’t fly the confederate flag, kids! Robert wouldn’t want this.